Well, despite telling Ericol stuff I really should have kept to myself, I am now married to Krysalis. Actually, the wedding wasn't anywhere near as horrible as I was afraid it was going to be ... except for the clothes - the clothes sucked big time.
Bardok didn't know that I was getting married too, you should have seen the look on his face when he realised he wasn't going to have to marry both women. Still, he and Nadia seem to get along alright. Weddings are weird. Lots of people were there and ate a lot and drank a lot and didn't seem to notice that I wasn't a real person at all, which is probably just as well. Mind you, Mandor said 'monster' so many times in his speech that I lost count, so maybe they were just being polite.
We got some very odd presents from our folks. I think my favourite is the lamp Benny gave me, but a close second is the safe house from Mandor, 'cos it gives me somewhere to sleep where I can't do any damage and Krysalis has the key. Brother gave my Trumps back and some advice on sanity; Gerard gave us some ale, which I think I'll leave all to Krysalis. Random gave us some playing cards and the rules to poker and a cancelled IOU. Fiona gave us T-shirts (I jumped into the Abyss and all I got was this lousy Vomit); Flora gave us a kitten/slime thing; Bleys gave us some brooches; Julian gave me an 'out of season' sticker; Merlin gave us some tickets to some sort of fair (have to check that out at some point); Martin gave us a Shadow Blazers album called Vomit; Jaz gave us an empathy plant ... I wonder how that works?; Amanfist gave us a holiday with his gypsies; Jules gave us a dinner service (which should be nice for Krysalis, 'cos I ate quite a bit of hers when I thought I was dad); Vogel gave us a weird sort of toaster and Lila gave us some toys for the blob, which is real useful. In fact the only present I really didn't dig at all was nanny cloth-head or whatever her name was - Dara's, told you she didn't like me.
Stuck around for a while, everyone seemed pretty happy with how things were going. Mandor brought Krumm and Oblina along, so I spent quite a bit of time catching up with them and how they were doing and how school was and everything. I hope they enjoyed the party, anyway. They thought I looked terrible, but there you go - can't please all of the monsters all of the time ...
One weird thing was this sorta stick with a fist on it that turned up and hit me. Didn't hurt much. It had writing on it that said you could name someone and hit them if you thought they'd wronged you, but since the only dude I dislike that much ... I didn't use it and neither did Mandor, so it was probably a good thing not to. It faded away. Ericol told me later that he'd seen it and used it twice, but he got hit twice - see, the universe is fair. It's people that aren't.
Went back to Amber and said night to Krysalis and got out of the stinky clothes so that I could go and see Caine and get him the stuff. There was hardly anyone in the hall at breakfast the next day, so I guess they were all still at the party. Bleys was being a bit of a git, so I decided to skip breakfast and mooch outside for a while before he could embarrass me to death.
I gave Mandor a call, 'cos he still had the blob. When I called he said the blob was hatching, which, like, he was. Got Krysalis and Mandor and the blob together in an enclosed space and waited while he broke out. He's really not what I expected at all, you know. He can talk real good and see into other people's minds, even Mandor's. He helped us pick his name out and he ended up with Didilus Smaug, which is heaps better than Lilac, which is a colour, man.
I asked if we should get my brother to look at him, but it was pointed out that that might not be so smart. Thing is, he'd find out sooner or later, I know he would - I didn't want it coming all by surprise. Mandor took Krysalis and Didilus out into shadow while I tried to sound out how brother was going to react.
Lila and me waited in the hall for him. I could see right away that things weren't going down so good, 'cos he kept asking where Didilus was. I didn't want to tell him and I knew off the look on his face that he was gonna yak it straight out of my head so I purposefully blacked out so that he couldn't. When I woke up again he was trying to Trump Mandor and I knew he'd yakked it out of Lila's head instead. She's done too much for me to be mad at her for letting him, but I was real mad at my brother. I tried zapping his mind, but he's too good at it. Told you, should have wopped him over the head with one of the tables. He made Mandor pull him through the Trump, so I bit him and got blacked out again. Not sure if I hurt him.
As it turns out, brother says Didilus isn't dangerous enough to kill and he let him alone (how magnamanous). I was still pretty pissed off with him though, I bet he wouldn't like it if I bumped off one of his kids, no matter what reasons I gave. That's the thing I like least about brother, this sorta attitude he has that he's got a right to do any damn thing he happens to think is appropriate (see where Ericol got it now). He's got no right at all to decide if my kids live or die, no matter how they might turn out. Look at what some of his kids have done. If I ever have another, which is just so unlikely, but anyway, I'm sure as heck not telling big brother about it if I do. I know, I know he didn't really want to do it. Doesn't help much though, does it? Dead is dead.
After everyone got back, brother said that we needed to do something about Them and I agree with what he was saying, it's just that he's so pushy about it and all. He sent Ericol out on his own to act as bait and got together a whole bunch of folks to wait at Camelot and attack. He wanted me to go, but it was Them, man and Mandor wasn't going so I didn't have to watch out for his butt and it was a fight, man, so what good would I have been anyway? Normally I wouldn't have been that bothered, 'cept for worrying about the people that were going, but brother asked me in front of Krysalis and I had to back out, I had to, I can't help it if I got all the self-preservation instinct left over from making Ericol.
After that brother didn't ask me to do anything, not even the things I could do. He had Lila and Vogel on Trumps helping the wounded out and all I was left to do was to ask Mandor to fix them up a bit, which he'd have probably done anyway. Everyone got out alright, though Bardok and Ericol took some nasty hits. One of Them got killed.
I tried to tell my bro why I felt bad about it, but he wasn't in a listening type of mood. He said I had to learn to protect Amber and my family and that just made me madder with him than I already was. I try to watch out for my folks as best I can, but I'm me, not Benny. Why doesn't he appreciate me for what I can and have done instead of dissing me for what I'm not good at? Sometimes it seems like brother treats me like I was his artefact or something, like I should do exactly as he says and think what he thinks. What about all the other people I care about? According to him, if they aren't of Amber they aren't important. Going by that criteria I'm not important to him, because I'm not going to fuck over everything else in the universe for Amber. Most of my folks are in Amber, but some of them aren't and quite a lot of my friends aren't and I'm not actually an Amberite anymore, I defected (this is assuming I ever was an Amberite, which I doubt). Let's face it, me and bro aren't getting on so good with each other just lately, so maybe I should steer clear of him for a little while until I've cooled off a bit. I love my brother, but I hate his politics and he knows I'm not the bravest of types, so why does he have to rub my face in it?
I told Krysalis I was sorry about it - being a chicken that is, though I kinda meant all of my shortfallings - and she gave me a hug, which on the one hand makes me feel better, but on the other hand, I never know what to do with myself when she does that. It's not like I can hug her back or anything. I don't know why she's so nice to me, definitely don't deserve it. Ericol says it's all going to go horribly wrong because I don't know how to behave with a woman ... shit, what does he know about it anyway? Why do I listen to him? He just makes me unhappy and paranoid and I'm gonna feel so crap if he's right ...
We went on that gypsy holiday I mentioned earlier. It was pretty good fun and it gave Ericol a chance to do the thing with the garden (with an awful lot of help from Benny, so I'm told). She really liked it - nice one Ericol. I'll have to remember to thank Benny next time I see him too.
Now we're both back at her place, which is okay and has some interesting edibles hidden away in all sorts of obscure nooks and crannies. Between me, Didilus and the slime kitten the rat supply is getting pretty low though, so maybe I'll Logrus some in at some point. The sanity front is looking better and my bro gave me a hand turning in my compass to help my head.
Sanity - not half as mad as we used to be, our whole world is so less fragmenty, now we have some saaaanity! He suggested I turn in the tongue stud as well, but I use it all the time and that's what makes me loom and ferretize and horseify, so I couldn't really. I hope my head gets better without it or I'll just have to turn it in. Hmm.
I'm spending most of my time as Vomit right now, I figure Krysalis probably prefers it. Should I ask? She'd tell me if I was doing anything wrong, wouldn't she? Should I ask if she'd tell me? Anyway ... anyway what? I just completely forgot what I was going to anyway about ... oh yeah! I blip back to Amber about once a week to see how Caine's doing and to stop him getting lonely. I don't know if anyone else visits, I know Ericol doesn't, but I expect the others do. I normally drop in on Mandor while I'm out as well, which leads me on to another anyway ...
Been thinking about Didilus and his ability to zap brains and I think I really should talk to Krysalis about this one. He zapped Mandor's brain, and Lila's. I found out from Didilus what Mandor did when he was nuts and for a while there I thought it was pretty funny, but I've actually given it a bit more thought since then and decided it could turn out to be radically un-funny if anyone else finds out - just imagining Ericol with that info is enough to make my blood run cold. Some of the things I've done while insane I can laugh about, some of them I can't - some of them I'll never feel alright about. All it's going to take is someone mindraping me; or Didilus telling someone else and it's gonna get around. I can solve the first problem by getting Mandor to wipe it - if he leaves the reasons for wiping it, I'll leave it alone. Hmm, I think he's gonna be be mad at me, but I think maybe not too much. As for poor Didilus; kid's a major disaster waiting to happen if we ignore this. Trouble is, how do you make a little kid understand a problem like this? Gloves are going to be a good start, I think. I'll see what Krysalis says, but I think we have to stop him from doing it before someone nasty gets ticked off, or worse, someone nasty decides he'd make a useful tool ...
You know, I spent quite a bit of this diary dissing my brother and I wouldn't want to go down as saying he was a total bastard or anything, because he isn't. I guess I'm just still angry and you know how hard it is to see the other person's/monster's point of view when you're mad with them. Sure he can be a jerk and a bully sometimes, but I guess ... I know, I'm a real jerk too on occasions. Most of the time he's pretty nice to me ... I just gotta keep reminding myself that when he's being bossy. Tolerance, tolerance, tolerance ...
Yowza, the old brain's back on line according to Mandor! Must tell Krysalis actually ...
Chatted to Ericol on one of my visits to Caine - don't ask me why, maybe I keep hoping sooner or later he'll start acting reasonably - maybe it's because he collars me every time I visit Amber. Anyway, we got to talking politics (after a rather lengthy debate on trust - more on that later). I was telling him that I thought Chaos could probably do with a diplomat from Amber that actually wanted to do the job and actually believed in Amber. From what I've seen of the other kids, none of them are that wowed by Amber and its apparent demands for total loyalty, so they wouldn't do at all - probably just party (grin). Ericol, undiplomatic though he is, isn't what I call the partying type.
There's obvious problems with this, don't really need to spell it out, do I? Still, maybe this is what he needs? He's always yakking on about how much he trusts me and how 'dissapointed' he is that I don't trust him. Maybe I'm just being a total dweeb, I dunno, but I figured that if he was actually given something responsible to do he might buck up a little bit. He agrees with my reasoning, he agrees that we need to improve relations if we're going to get anywhere without killing each other. Hehehe, I mentioned my initial reasoning that since it was the Serpent's Eye they all wanted then maybe we should get rid of it - I was about to follow on with, 'but that would be pointless, they'd kill anyone who did that and then find something else to bicker over', but Ericol was too busy agreeing that we should ditch the Eye in the Abyss! Man, I thought I had a problem with not thinking things through enough.
This is the plan - we're having a dinner at Krysalis' place with a few chaosites present and the clear intention of playing the game a little bit over the meal. Ericol hasn't exactly got off to a terrific start with me and if he can't get through dinner without acting the prat I'm prepared to forget the whole idea. I'm not going to suggest this to Asteroth (or Oberon) until I have more reason to think that Ericol isn't going to make me look like a total loser. Mercinary? Yup! See, I learn.
Well, went to see Mandor and he was in the process of sending scouts out left right and center. He told me that House Irvile, supposedly neutral, had attacked and possibly annihilated House Eldor (moderately minor). Hmm, in-fighting, just what we need. After, I asked him to wipe my head of the relavant data, which he did - I get the weirdest message when I try to remember what it was ... he's wiped Didilus of the same stuff too.
Mandor's in on the dinner, though I doubt if he has any real optimism on the matter - my own runs a little drier everytime I talk to Ericol. I went back to the castle and was told that some guy called Miles Gravin wanted to see me. He looks like a Chaosite, but all that I really know about him is this; he says he was working for House Eldor, something to do with obtaining a Logrus sword, I think. House Irvile apparently are into Logrus swords, so there's an obvious connection there - maybe that's what prompted the attack, but I have my doubts. When Irvile attacked, reports said that Miles was the one who chupped Duke Mableroad into little, nearly-dead bits. Miles claims that Irvile also has hostile intentions towards House Sawall. If that's true, we could be in for a hairy time. Still, forwarned is, presumably, forarmed.
Not sure what to make of Miles at all yet. Mandor came up with a couple of reasons why he might have come to me, either to insinuate some connection between us, or as an easier road to talking to Mandor. The latter is radically more likely (he's not the easiest guy to talk to when you haven't been properly introduced), but I'm still not sure how Miles even knew about me. I didn't think I was particularly well-known in Chaos yet. Mind you, people have a way of finding things out, I've noticed. For the moment, he's staying here in Krysalis' place - maybe I can find out a bit more? He's a definite source of curiosity, since Mandor doesn't even know where he popped up from. Hmm. Perhaps he isn't Miles at all, but someone else. Time will tell. Maybe Nod can be useful? I'll have to ask.
Got a call from my brother about the dinner - seems Ericol had wanted to query Jaz's invite and went to my brother to contact me. Idiot. Brother was just generally nosing, I think. He said he was too busy to attend, which, now I'm not so annoyed, is quite funny really. I was ever so slightly sarcastic about the whole affair and Trumped Ericol to give him a piece of my mind. Ericol's got more cheek than my bro, he expressed mock surprise that Oberon hadn't been invited and then got all shirty when I lost my rag with him. He's decided he doesn't want Jaz to come, fine. He also made faces when I said that Fiona was coming - tough.
He asked about what to wear and I told him to play it safe and bring formal and informal gear - like I'd know, what's he asking me for? He also mentioned that Random was currently regent and said that brother might be dropping in. I consider that idea a little ludicrous. If Brother was that inquisitive he'd either have invited himself or watched from afar. He's probably off doing something stupidly dangerous again. I'll see if I can find out what it is, it might have something to do with what Benny was up to. Hey, if he's going to watch over my every move, I'm going to watch over his - try and make sure he keeps all his limbs this time. Take care, cheesebrain.
Ericol started saying that maybe we should call off the dinner, me being worried about bro and all - see that emotionally malipulative cop-out coming from two thousand miles away. I guess I must have had a face pulled, 'cos he asked me what was up. I told him if he didn't have the guts to even turn up for the trial run, we might as well forget it. He reckons he's taking the whole thing real seriously, but I have my doubts. Well, see how it goes, I guess - can Ericol pull it off? I guess I've seen stranger things happen ...
Neep! Yesterday was my stoopid things day - I did a lot of stoopid things. Just hope I can live it down. Actually I feel kinda funny about the whole thing; annoyed, nervous, hopeful, cynical, happy, sad ... confused. Why does that word sum up my feelings so often? I should be all worldly wise by now, or something, shouldn't I?
Where do we start? Well, I told Krysalis I was sane and she said she wanted to kiss me, but that she didn't think I'd like it. Didn't know what to say - never do. "Go ahead" would have been better than staring at my trainers (which is what I did - one). It's not that I don't like kissing her, I sorta do, only I sure wouldn't want anyone else knowing that and it's kinda ... embarassing. She makes me feel funny. I know I'm sane and everything, apparently, but I've seen apparently sane people do crazy things too. I wish I knew more about women ... maybe I should have a hypothetical conversation with Mandor about this - he knows lots about women. More to the point, it's not like I've got anything to hide from him. On the other hand he might laugh at me ... and I've noticed that when I'm talking about one thing everyone else is talking about something completely diffrent that I don't want anything to do with ever again. Maybe I'll just dig a hole and stick my head in it.
Every effort to suss out Mile's secret identity failed fairly dismally. He didn't seem to mind too much, but Mandor said I should cool it and just sit it out. Miles is still going to stay with us, don't know how long for, but he seems like an okay sorta dude. He sure plays the game well. Whoever he is, my bro would recognise him if he saw him, so he probably is a relative of some sort. I seem to be related to half the universe.
The dinner came and went. Roody was all done up as a woman - well, he was a woman. She kept making passes at Ericol, who spent the whole dinner asking to leave. He didn't like the food much (hey, I didn't dig a lot of it) and Mandor seemed to be going all out to put him off the idea. If Mandor didn't like the idea, I wish he'd have just told me to forget it instead of all the silly stuff. I was trying to do something constructive and helpful and ... oh gee, I dunno exactly what I was trying to do now. The musical kissing at the end of the evening was intensely stupid (two). I wish Ericol wouldn't keep kissing Krysalis' hand, he did it twice, man. It's not my fault Arabella didn't want to kiss him, I wish he'd leave my girl out of it. Why didn't he go out with Roody? The great thing about shape-shifters is that they can be anything that you like the look of and Roody seemed willing. I wish I knew more about dating actually ...
ANYway, back to business - Before dinner, Mandor had got a call from Amber saying that some of the family had gone a bit bonkers. Seems Julian, Flora and Gerard had started acting weird. We told Ericol and shoved him through to Random before he could run off and get himself killed. Mind you, I can talk, eh?
Lovecraft seemed to be next, he got all airated over his sandcastles and took a powder before Mandor could get a proper look at him. We still have to ferret him out and sort his head, actually. We decided to stick together after that. Miles was with Didilus, but he said he hadn't touched him. I wasn't massively happy that he hadn't asked first, but I think he was telling the truth. Keep an eye on that, yup.
Got a call from Lila, she passed a note through and told us that a whole shitload of Trumps had gone warm, even (Regent) Random's - which is, like, never a good thing, right? Figured that uncle was probably behind it and it was about time we did something about it. We all went through to this ship they were on (I hate ships). Gerard was all trussed up and everyone was umming and ahhing about what to do. Mandor was pretty worried about Fiona, who was off running somewhere. I wanted to go check on dad in case uncle had got to him already, but they all wanted to see what was happening in Amber first, which kinda made sense. Quickest way to get onto what I wanted to check out seemed to be doing the job myself instead of waiting for them to finish arguing over who was going to do it. So I went and had a look (three).
Flew over invisible-like with a Trump contact with Mandor for a safety line. The guards were milling about in confusion in the courtyard and the defenses were all shot to hell. I ferretized and took a peek in the hall where Random was having a party and slapping the guards about. Decided to take an alternative route in and went through the kitchen where Jaz was just eating and eating and eating. Found Vialle and she was okay, so I passed her out to Mandor. Next up was Bleys eating books in the library, but the guy knew I was there even though I was careful and I had to flee back to the ship. Sure glad that Trump contact was there.
Bardok messed up. Easy mistake, I guess and I wouldn't have been that angry at all, only he started talking to me like I was a blob and didn't know anything. He was Trumping Sand and he was telling her everything that was happening, including what was going down in the castle. I chewed him out over it and told him after he'd broken the contact that if anyone from Chaos was listening in it would be 'let's take over Amber' time and they'd probably kill Random and everyone else in there. Bardok said I was a know-nothing idiot, basically, and that even if they did attack, Uncle would get them. Great logic, huh? "Sorry Oberon, Random's dead, but don't worry, Uncle mindfucked the guys that did it." Bardok kept saying it was a calculated risk, but it was one he didn't have to take - hasn't he ever heard of passing notes? He also said that I didn't know enough to be mouthing off at him. The urge to give him a slap was huge ...
After that little episode someone came up with a smart idea. Delwyn (I think it was Delwyn) was called and Vialle, Didilus and Krysalis went through to there, which was deemed reasonably safe. Krysalis said she would have stayed if it weren't for Didilus, which was nice of her, but as I said at the time, 'sdodgy business. The best thing is that she missed out on all the other stupid things I did after she left.
We finally got it together enough to check on my dad. Ericol knew a way to the primal through some caves. We got as far as this big white wall type affair. Mandor must have seen the thought cross my mind, because he told me not to. I'd already kinda figured how much that would hurt. Ericol was the only Pattern dude with us that I knew about at that point and I was wondering since he said the wall vibrated when he touched it, whether or not he could sort of vibrate with it and get through. Seemed like we couldn't get anyone in though.
They said we had to get hold of Fiona, who probably had the Serpent's Eye, since Random didn't and let's face it, if Uncle had it, he'd have got to dad, probably. The idea of trying to do a joint Trump call was nixed very quickly by Mandor (dunno why, must ask). Then someone said that Vogel or Ericol could do it if they walked a Pattern. Trouble is, brother's defences were up and running on every one of them. The only Pattern they said we could use was the one in Rebma, which involved getting awfully, awfully wet. Gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.
Miles, who knows an awful lot for a Chaos troubleshooter, you dig? He said that if we used a Logrus sword we could distract the defences long enough to let Ericol walk the Pattern. Miles said he couldn't use it because it didn't like him (Pattern user?) and Jules said he wanted it, but wasn't prepared to take on the Pattern with it. Somehow I ended up with the job ... (four)
After Miles, Vogel, and Bardok had taken out the stone people, Ericol started walking the Pattern and I Trumped the sword. It came shooting out of the card and I grabbed the sucker with both hands. It was really nice. I felt, kinda fearless actually - a real first. This weird Patterny thing came out and we started a right old ding-dong. I felt a tad guilty about hammering a Pattern thing, my mom's a Pattern thing. Still, it was hammering me just as hard and I was trying not to break the sword in the process. Mandor and Miles were doing something, I think, but I was too busy to see what it was. Daggers were flying about. Pattern thingy kept trying to surround me. After a while it went away and despite all efforts to the contrary, the sword was dragging me towards the Pattern.
Not entirely sure what happened, but I ended up in a fleshy room with Miles who told me to drop the sword. It was a bit dented, but still okay. Even when you touch the flat of it, it takes the end of your finger off! Mean ... but nice.
Went back with Miles to where the others were and waited for Ericol to call, which he did. We all tagged along with Lila and found Fiona with a bit of my dad. I bet that cheered Mandor up. The bit of my dad was being a mad hatter and it took a while to convince him that there was a problem. He's kinda frustrating sometimes, particularly when there's a panic on. After a bit he was made to understand and when I asked him to call Oberon, he said he wasn't in regular Shadow, which told us exactly where he was.
Used Vogel's Trump to get to Corwin's place (haven't seen him for a while) and called brother. I didn't mean to be quite as narky with him as I was, but I was feeling a bit ... er, what's the word for it? Stressed out? Anyway, brother came back to Amber with us and sorted out a few heads, Bleys, Gerard, Random, Jaz and Jurt.
Everyone started arguing again over what we were going to do and quite a few of them seemed to be voting for trying to stomp uncle. Thing is, maybe I'm being silly, but I don't think so, if we tried to stomp him and failed, negotiating would be a lot harder - particularly if we were all in little bits. Besides, uncle hasn't actually killed any of us and I feel kinda sorry for him. He's got every right to be mightily pissed off with certain people and while I can't go along with his intentions, I at least understand why he's feeling that way. He's a relative, man - we should try to sort it out, shouldn't we?
I got dad to write a letter to him, telling him how they'd thought he was dead and how dad was sorry and all. Not sure what brother thought of what I did - probably thinks I'm being a fool - probably right as well. As with other situations during the course of the day it was perfectly obvious that no-one else was gonna do it without a struggle, so I took the letter out into Shadow (past the fleeing Choas army - told you so!) and said uncle's name, which is Vortegon, by the way. (five)
As expected, the name was enough and uncle came down from the sky with a bunch of those flying dudes from Corwin's Chaos, I think. He's a bit (a lot) intimidating and I hadn't forgotten the thrashing he gave me last time I saw him. I gave him the letter and told him that dad and Suhey didn't actually mean to screw him up like that. I don't know if he listened or not. He said I was disgusting (he pulled the family 'just knowing I'm related to that makes me ill' face) and said how I couldn't know what he'd gone through and how much he wanted revenge. I told him I couldn't take my dad anywhere I thought he was gonna be hurt, even if uncle did want a personal apology. He seemed pretty, um, annoyed by the whole turn of events and then he clobbered me and said he needed to think. I had to leave pretty quick after that, 'cos the winged dudes recognised me.
I hope uncle Vortegon changes his mind about dad and Suhey. Mandor's gonna write a letter describing what happened to the other one - he says it might cheer uncle up. I'm going to try to get in to see Suhey. Strikes me that it'd be better for Suhey to sort out Lovecraft's head in case there's any info in there Amber shouldn't know about. If I can get Suhey to write an apology to Vortegon too, then I think things might be alright. Let's hope that's not naivete speaking ... anyway, next time I have to deliver I'm going as Vomit and I'm just gonna drop the stuff and back off a coupla hundred feet before he can give me another beating. Place your bets ...
We had that meeting with Asteroth, which went better than I thought it was going to under the circumstances. It's really hard to establish myself as a Chaosite when I have to keep going back to Amber and doing things for them. Thing is, I can't just leave them in trouble, can I? Besides, uncle's everyone's problem, even Asteroth's - if he takes out Suhey he's liable to take a few others out with him and I like Suhey. Asteroth gave me a message for my brother about the army, which I guess I should deliver right away. It's really hard to tell what sort of mood Asteroth's in with me right now ... phlem. I wish my bro would just stay at home and look after things himself, I really don't like getting roped into his affairs, it's doing nothing for my career. I hope he can sort out Benny and the others ...
Anyway, back at Krysalis' place for now and taking at least a day out to unwind a bit and play with Didilus. I always come away from these things aching like crazy. As for Miles, while I don't trust him at all, I kinda like him. I can think of worse company to keep anyway.
Krysalis wants to learn more about shape-shifting and I get to teach her, which is cool. I was thinking of asking Krysalis if she wanted to have a night out in Chaos sometime soon, maybe go dancing or something. Would that be too forward? Oh heck, it's not like I never danced with her before, I'll go for it. Reckon I'll ask Mandor if he can blobsit first though, I don't fancy the idea of just leaving Nod and Miles with him, because I know Miles can have Nod.
You know, the more I see of Miles the more I think maybe brother missed one of them. He was using daggers in Rebma's Pattern room. He got me and him to and from the fleshy room, to do that he'd need either trumps of there and Rebma's Pattern, or another method of travel. Logrus wouldn't have done it, not that close to a Pattern and I think he's a Pattern dude anyway. He had a Trump of the sword, which I reckon he quite recently nicked off of House Irvile (the sword that is), so the Trump must be recent too. I think he's a Trump artist at the very least. He's definitely a shape-shifter. He knows a lot about me, an awful lot, but not everything. I think he's afraid of my brother and if he is who I suspect he may be, he's got good reason to fear.
This is all so much speculation, of course - I'll wing it by Mandor and see what he thinks of it. Whoever Miles really is, he's now a contracted employee of House Sawall and as far as I'm concerned that makes it Mandor's business, not my brother's. Live long and prosper (grin).
On a final note - concerning Logrus swords. Seems that it's the swords that have Irvile all in a tizzy. I'm not sure why they're scowling at Sawall over it - Miles mentioned that Jules was looking for a sword of that description, but Jules isn't a member of House Sawall, is he? I know he visited us once ...
Seems that House Irvile want to keep the blades and the secret of how to make them all to themselves. Well, I figure it's fair enough that they don't want their swords stolen, but as for how to make them, if someone else can figure it out that's just tough.
I'm more than a little interested in this. I reckon the best place to start will be learning how to make regular swords - pretty sure there's a sword-maker in Krysalis' place somewhere who can teach me. I know this is a real long-shot and I should probably ask Mandor for permission to try before I upset anyone. Still, if everyone thought 'oh, better people than me have probably already tried' then no-one would ever surprise anyone, right? It'll give me a hobby - if the man from House Sawall, he say 'yes'. Hahahahaha!
PS:
Well, right now I'm sitting halfway up a Logrus shield outside House Zephre. Sure glad I brought a pen now ... Mandor's trying to undo the combination so that we can take Lovecraft in and get his head fixed. Lovecraft doesn't really appreciate this yet (grin). You never heard anyone make such a fuss!
Mandor says I can be in on the research into Logrus swords that he's starting up (yes!). He didn't seem exactly wild about me being involved, but I don't know why. I guess I'll have to try extra hard not to dissapoint him on this one. Maybe he thinks I'm gonna mess it all up? I won't do anything without checking, that way I can't mess up, right? I'm not going to mess up. Extra, extra effort.
While we're in Zephre, I was going to try and get Suhey to write an apology too. Mandor suggested getting Ericol or Bardok to deliver this time - it's a nice idea and I'm tempted to bring them along just so that they can divert all uncle's whupping tendancies ... still, I don't trust either of them not to seriously upset him. Brother's too bossy and he's already lost a leg to this dude. Benny's god-knows-where and I reckon I might actually have to ask uncle to relent on his behalf. Miles ... hmm, probably too dangerous for his disguise. Maybe Mandor will come with me? He got away without getting belted last time. Mind you, if uncle did clobber him I'd probably do something daft. There has to be someone ...
Oh yeah, seems Mandor's got some pictures for Ericol - I don't (want to) know the details, but it's something to do with Roody. Maybe Ericol took my unspoken advice, but I doubt it.
Mandor doesn't want to blobsit - I mean he really doesn't want to. Practically told me to naff off and die when I asked. A little later he said he'd think about it, but I know he doesn't want to. Oh well, she'd have probably said no anyway. Hey, at least if she wants to go out herself she can. Can you believe this? I'm married with a kid and I still don't know how to get a date - I couldn't get any sadder even if I started carrying a thermos around.
Oh well - back to the business at hand ...
"I cannot tell you what I do not know
where the pen lids and the odd socks go
why children throw their toys away
why night-time always turns to day
the difference between pigeon and dove
Why some people we hate and some we love
it is just so.
I do not know"
"So how is it," she said to me and smiled
"some days you're so calm yet some so riled?
why do you say things you don't mean?
and long for sights you've never seen?"
she smiled again and reached out to me
and so I battled with the urge to flee
"It is just so.
I do not know"
With patience I can't explain any better
(the sort that made her read my letter?)
she took my hand and bid me stay
I sighed and pulled my hand away
I wanted to say, 'I'll never go'
Instead in some strange pain, said, "oh"
"it is just so
I do not know"
Haunted by memories of past misdeeds
terrified by my runaway needs
afraid she'll hate me if I won't
dammed if I do and dammed if I don't
she is kind to what many despise
but how can she care for a monster that cries?
is it just so?
I do not know ...
There you go, nothing like a bit of pointless rhetoric to while away the time when you're waiting to be slaughtered by an invading army.
I'm depressed, normally I'd say I was too depressed to write, but I've got nothing else to do right now and maybe it'll make me feel better. I doubt it though.
Um ... oh right, start at the start it'll be much less confusing that way. Well, me and Mandor got into House Zephre. It was a bit burnt up and weird (nothing new there, right?). Suhey fixed Lovecraft's head, but refused to write an apology. He was acting like a little kid, it was really irritating. Anyway, Mandor had written the other letter, so we bugged out to deliver that. Took about half an hour to get Vortegon this time - I knew he must have been up to something and it probably wasn't good. Boy, was I right. Sometimes it's bad to be right.
Vortegon eventually turned up and read Mandor's letter. He said he wanted my dad to give him something he valued (enough to make anyone paranoid) so I said I'd go and ask him. I was about to ask uncle about Benny, but off he went again - evidently busy.
Mandor wanted to see Fiona so we both went back to Amber. I dropped in to see Caine, who wanted one of Gerard's books to pass the time. I don't suppose he needs it now. Then I went to see dad who was still being a mad hatter in a room brother had fixed up to keep him in. I had to go cheshire cat style, quite a nice shape actually, I'll remember that one. I didn't get massively far with dad and called my brother to help. We eventually got dad to agree to servitude and I said I'd ask Vortegon if that was agreeable and for how long.
Dropping a note off to Mandor to tell him I was off home, I had rather planned on talking to uncle and then going back to Krysalis to see how well flowers worked on her. I was using the purple Trump to get back on the other side of the tree but I never got there. I ended up in some kind of warzone. Found a place to hide pretty quick, but it was full of these people that wanted me to save them. They said I had an aura of power or something and were pretty convinced I was some kind of messiah, which would have been a lot funnier if they weren't in such obvious shite. I gave Krysalis a call to tell her that I was likely to be a bit late as the Trumps were obviously playing up again. The people behind me kept on begging me to save them, which was just ever so slightly a guilt trip.
They weren't satisfied with me Logrusing just them out, oh no, they wanted the entire planet saving from a bunch of invading lizards. I tried to tell them they had the wrong monster, but they wouldn't have it. Absolutely convinced I could do it. I Logrussed out of the shadow, to make sure I could, then went back and said I'd have a look see and that was all. Nabbed a lizard guy and beat him into submisiveness so I could grill him in safety. He was a bit dense actually, all looks and no brains. Seemed that his people ate humans and had come down in some nicked spaceships to feed off the population. I figured that if they were all that dim I could get to the head honcho and make him take his people back home; destroy the ships and guns and get on with their life on their own planet the way they had before they'd got the ships.
I used the unconscious body of the lizard guy to make myself look like one of them and made my way to the head lizard, changing minds as I went. It got harder and harder to do and by the time I'd got to the main guy I was starting to wonder if I was even going to be able to beat him up and take over the army. He was really big and when I used the lens to look at him I found out that A) I could barely raise the lens let alone Logrus out and B) the guy had Trump energy all around him. I was afraid I'd stumbled into another angry and hitherto unknown relative.
He wanted to know if I was loyal to him or not and told me to kneel and grovel at his feet, which I did (some hero of the people, huh?). Apart from being radically glad that Krysalis wasn't a witness to the event, I was all set to suck up as per my education and get the hell out at fast as I could. I mean, I'm just not a hero, okay? I tried, didn't I? The idea that I could save a whole planet from an entire army is just silly.
Anyway, as it turns out that was all a bit beside the point, because the head honcho said that I had to press a button and microwave a room full of humans for his supper. I can't go around killing humans, I felt bad enough when I knocked that poor bastard's head off. Besides, who'd be left to scare? I tried a whole bunch of excuses and he said that if I didn't fry them he was going to eat me. I figured that he was probably going to do something bad to me and the humans no matter what I did. I tried the doors and couldn't get out, not even with my teeth. I turned invisible and he put on some goggles and could see me. I tried abandoning my host to dupe him, but he saw both of us and ate the host's arm (sorry!).
After that I was pretty much out of options, I mean, this guy wasn't exactly being reasonable, you know? He attacked me and while I was gnawing his arm he bit me, so I poked him in the eyes and he dropped me. Then Ghostwheel turned up and told me to jump through quick, which I did.
Landed near Krysalis in her realm. Logrus didn't work anymore and all my Trumps were warm. I thought maybe I was being messed about, but Krysalis knew about my letters, so I decided she was probably her and there was something wrong with the universe instead. We went to get Didilus and ran into Miles on the way who indicated rather strongly that he's been through a similar thing that I had. It was round about then I realised what no Logrus power meant, so I went to see Suhey and told Krysalis to catch me up.
The Logrus shield was down and Lovecraft wasn't exactly reassuring when I got there. Suhey was in a big block of ice and I left Lovecraft trying to thaw him out. Shouting for Vortegon was about as successful as it was when I was in the warzone, so Krysalis agreed to take me to Amber so we could see what was happening there.
On the way back to Amber we found Lila, Ragglespear and Vogel. Lila said she'd spoken to Ghostwheel and it was all some kind of test set up by Vortegon, Suhey and dad. I didn't believe that at first, but I think it's true now. Vortegon bet dad and Suhey that Amberites and Chaosites didn't give a damn about Shadow-people, Dad and Suhey bet they did "freeze us in a block of inpenitrable ice and turn off the powers if we're wrong". We let them down bad, man. Their faith in us was, like, completely unfounded. The test wasn't prescisely fair, not taking into account the natural paranoia generated by the Trump energy around the people - but we still did really bad and maybe uncle's right about us. Maybe we all need a good snortching.
When Amber came into sight we saw Julian's flag flying over the castle. I asked if brother had fixed his head and everyone said they didn't think so. I admit it, I panicked. I went steaming in with all sorts of wild and crazy notions and left my brain at the door.
Julian's dogs caught up with me pretty quick and I ended up on the ceiling. When Julian came along I turned visible again and called him a whole bunch of names and demanded to know what he'd done to Mandor. When I then denied that Mandor was in Amber, he got really pissed and set the dogs on him. I kinda, sorta attacked Julian and chewed up his face a bit. He psyched me out and that was when I realised he wasn't nuts and for the second time today (so far) I had to beg. I said I'd do anything iffen he'd just call off the dogs and he said servitude and I had to say yes, I had to. It's tempting to accuse Julian of taking advantage of me, but it was my fault the dogs got sent off in the first place. It's a lesson hard learned, that's for sure.
Julian let me go and look for Mandor and I found him and Fiona on the roof. The others joined us and Julian came up and after a while Jules and proffessor Falstaff came along. The basic situation isn't very good. My brother is in ice in his chambers and most of my nephews and nieces are out in Shadow, trapped by the power cut off one assumes. My dad is certainly in ice at the Primal. I'm told the unicorn will be in hiding, which means that she's not at the Academy, which means all my friends might have dissappeared because the Pool is gone.
It was about that time that Julian told me he wanted my service for a hundred years and I just sorta burst into tears. One depressing thing too many, you dig? That's longer than I've been alive. It's not even as if Julian likes me at all and in a hundred years Amber time Didilus will be all grown up and he and Krysalis will have forgotten all about me. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself at a time like this, but it's so hard not to blub over that one. A hundred years away from everything I want to be near, even Mandor. God, I'm depressed. I'm not even sure if Krysalis knows the whole thing yet, but she belongs in the realm and I cannot go with her. I let her down again. I sure hope Julian doesn't expect me to whistle while I work ... a hundred years is forever.
Just to cheer me up even further, there's an army on the way, a starburst army. If, as someone suggested, this is still a test, I can't see us passing. We can't leave Amber - even if we took Oberon with us, the Pattern could be destroyed with Amber blood in our absence and my dad would die. Besides, I suspect it's us they want as much as Amber so we might as well stay somewhere defensible. I don't want to kill people, not even the starburst people. I have no choice though, if they attack I have to help defend.
Even if we survive this, I still don't know how to talk to uncle Vortegon. I don't know if I deserve to be heard. He's been pretty fair, if not utterly. He hasn't killed any of us. Considering how badly he suffered, his actions show remarkable restraint. I think I proved I don't have such restraint when I tried to suck out Julian's brain. There are some subjects I'm horribly vengeful on. In fact there are some subjects where I don't consider myself entirely rational.
Okay, so writing this didn't make me feel any better - I feel worse, actually. I feel like I've lost already. I need some air ...
PS:
Okay, some good news - Ericol came back and just beat the starburst army to Arden. Julian suggested that he go and delay the starburst people to give Gerard time to get back from the docks. There are millions of starbursts, even with a thousand men Ericol couldn't delay them for long. I pointed out to Julian that it was a fat lot of good getting Gerard back if all he did was go beserk and kill Julian for killing Ericol. I'm surprised I had to tell him that at all. Julian changed his mind but Ericol wanted to go and get killed. Had to hit him. He started mouthing off to Julian, which I'm sure he'll regret at a later date. Family unity isn't up to much.
I went outside to try and think a bit and Ericol came out too. I did my best to cajol, insult and manipulate him into acting sanely. I told him that if he went haring off and got himself killed, not only would it be unhelpful, it would do positive damage. Gerard would be distraught, we'd be a swordweilder down. It's definitely time to concentrate on teamwork. I know he's worried about his kids and I understand that, but there's nothing we can do about it just yet.
One excellent thing that came out of that conversation was an idea I had. Ericol mentioned Nod, whom I'd rather forgotten about in all the trouble. It occured to me that Nod can move about very quickly and I don't think he uses the powers we all use to do it. I'm not sure if Nod can find people or places he hasn't been to, but it's sure as hell worth a try. I'll run it by Julian first as he's in charge - and I did tell Ericol to check before he did anything. I hope this works.
On a more personal note, Julian says we can work out some sort of timeshare for my service, which means maybe things aren't as bleak as I thought they were and maybe I haven't wronged Krysalis as much as I feared (and maybe Julian isn't as mean as I thought he was). I'd like to get along with him better, it's just - it's hard.
Talking of Krysalis, I was wondering whether I should try to send her home or not. She probably wouldn't go if I did and I think I left the thought a little late. Thing is, I don't think she got tested, I'll ask, but I don't think she did. I can only think of three reasons why that might be 1) Didilus (most likely) 2) Vortegon didn't know about her (highly unlikely because of the Spikard) 3) he chose not to test his own grandaughter. He's not going to be happy if he finds out about me and her, he thinks I'm repulsive (and not in a good way).
If the test is still on, I'm not sure what it is. I don't think starburst is part of it, because we ain't got any choice at all. If he is still testing us, I think maybe it's got more to do with what happened to him. Gosh, I wonder how The Courts are doing? I hope the House is alright.
Well fiddle-de-dee, I could second-guess myself all day (until my head gets hacked off that is - kinda hard to single guess without a head). If we figure out what the test is, we're either cheaters or we get tested again, possibly less pleasantly. If the test isn't on we could get slaughtered trying to please uncle. We might just as well get seen for what we are instead of going all Mary Poppins just for show (Bert was always nice when I visited, even when I scared the kids). Sure, some of my relatives don't exactly please me, but they are what they are and I wouldn't damn a single one of them for that. I'm sorry he doesn't like my species, but I don't have anything to be ashamed of on that front. I'm red and I'm proud. I was born a monster and I'll die one - I just hope the dying bit is a long way off.
Damn, I'm scared. I wish brother was feeling more active. I've told him not to worry and we'll think of something, but I don't know if he can hear me or not and I'm a pretty bad liar anyway (despite excellent role-models). He looks so calm ... I hope they're alright in there. I wonder if it's cold. Can they feel? Do they know what's going on? If they can it must be terrible. We have to get them out. If I was in there brother would have had me out by now. Smeg.
The battle's started. They attack and then they go away again and some days they don't attack at all. I've killed people. I don't know how many. I wake up, eat breakfast and most of the time hurl it back up again. Just as well, really - the best thing for me to eat in this sort of situation is dense metals (high energy) and they're in short supply. I'm glad I'm not hungry enough to worry about it. Besides, metal's easy to pick up and re-swallow.
It's pretty horrid, but then, so am I right now. I'm so scared I keep getting narky with people. Don't mean to. Lila says I should count to ten before I fly off the handle. Even Krysalis said I had a temper on me. I can't deny it, I've been ragging on Bardok pretty hard the last couple of days. He annoys me. I told him it was just my mood and he should just ignore me when I'm like that, but better yet would be to not do it at all.
I was trying not to do too much damage. On the wall I was shaking off the starbursts before I split the ladders, but sometimes it couldn't be helped. They're using bolts that cut clean through tables and shields. Mandor took a couple, despite my very best efforts. I'm no good at this battle stuff. Things didn't go too badly until Ericol called me. We agreed to temper each others impulsiveness, so I had to go to him straight away.
When I got there, his wall was being overrun, just a bit. I asked him what was wrong and he gave me one of his neverminds. He wouldn't tell me and neverminds are annoying at the best of times. I was trying to see what was happening on my wall and I got hit with a sword. It stuck right in me and when I kicked off the starburst holding it it just stayed there. It's strange seeing something like that sticking out of your own body. On the way back to my wall I got hit many times, but I did my share of killing then. I was so afraid and so anxious to stay alive that I didn't pull a single blow the way I should have. I can convince myself that knocking them off the wall needn't be fatal, but the people I hit at that time will not be getting up again. I'm not sure if it's fear or revulsion that makes me keep chucking up, but I know that I don't want to get used to killing people - no matter how ill it makes me.
Amanfist came and helped Ragglespear and I repel the attack to our wall. Starbursts retreated and Amanfist helped me get to the infirmary. It's not much cop being invisible when you got a pint or so of your own blood smeared all over you. You get hit a lot more often.
While I was in the infirmary I queried Ericol on his blasted nevermind. He apologised but would not explain. It was left to Julian to tell me that Sir Percy had gone over the wall and was lost. I can understand why Ericol did it. I think Sir Percy is a friend of his, despite his claim that he doesn't have friends. But that nevermind nearly cost me my life and I killed so many afterwards - I don't know how to feel about it. In Ericol's position, I do not know if I would have had the courage to stay my instant desire to cross the wall to what, upon very little reflection, would be certain death. I hope I never have to find out. Still, Mandor's well back and is much better at looking after himself than I am. He lost a couple of his pinballs though.
As luck would have it, I was woken up later that night by Ericol with news that there was someone crawling towards the castle walls. I went and had a look and it was Sir Percy. He was in awful bad shape and rather pleased when I went and got him. I don't know how he managed to survive, but I'm glad he did. Mandor fixed him up a bit.
Benny came back, I was so glad to see him! It's true that he hasn't pulled off quite the miracle I was holding out for, but I'd have been glad to see him even if he'd turned up with a packet of soggy crisps and a family savers funeral plan. I even got narky with him though - he wanted me to speak on my brother's behalf. I didn't mean (there's that phrase again) to get as agitated as I did, but it's kinda irritating that none of my family takes me seriously on this one. To them, I'm Oberon's kid brother. Talk about living in someone's shadow. Sorry Benny - I'm just kinda touchy right now. Maybe if I whiten up the Vomit shape's skin, it'll make it easier for them to accept that I'm a Chaosite. Sooner or later, they're going to have to accept it, because it's true. I serve Amber when I have to, but I serve Chaos because I want to - there's a big difference.
Benny wants us to hold out for a month while he rasies an army. He thinks we can do it, which means that on the whole we probably can. I'm not sure if I can or not. I got hurt pretty bad last time and I'm more scared now than I was before. If I can get hurt so bad in such a short time, how on earth can I last a month? I'm afraid to die - what if I freeze up? It wouldn't be the first time. If I screw up I put Ragglespear's life on jeopardy too, but if we lose this battle, not only does the whole family die, but all of Shadow will perish too. But I'm scared, I can't help it, I wish they'd find something else for me to do - I'm pretty sure that seeing me quaking and teeth-chattering is no good for moral on my wall anyway. Phlem, I'm stuck with it aren't I? I'm gonna die before the month's out, I can't hack it. I'm scared to die.
I went for a walk with Krysalis during one of the respites. I showed Didilus the cheshire cat and he laughed just like I knew he would. Krysalis said she thought the shape was a bit, um, cutesy for me - fair point, maybe I've been spending too much time with the slime kitten. I wanted to say something to her that meant something. Something about how I felt. I ended up making small talk (as usual). I don't want to annoy her and I know that my rather bleak view on the future (mine, if no-one else's) just pisses people off. Besides, I want to see them both smiling, because I don't know if I'm ever going to see them again each time starbursts attack. They're two of my happiest thoughts, especially when they're smiling.
Caine came back. I talked with him and he understands the situation. If things get back to normal, I hope brother takes his assistance in this affair into account. I hope he doesn't end up back in the cells.
Mandor is, as usual, taking things apparently in his stride. How come he never gets scared? How come none of the others do? Why am I the only one that is? Shit, I'm not just scared, I'm totally petrified. When they attack again, I don't know if I've got the guts to get back up on that wall to die. I know they're all going to hate me if I don't, but I'm not sure if I can help myself. I don't want them to hate me, I don't want to dishonour my House, but I'm more frightened of dying than I am of dissaproval or punishment. The more I think about it, the worse I get, and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to kill people and I don't want to die. I can't tell anyone, they wouldn't understand because they're not scared. I can't tell my brother, because if he can hear me he'd be awful mad at me for being such a coward - I remember how he acted before. I should probably talk to my boss before I let him down again. I can't imagine anyone else knowing so much about me and still liking me, so maybe he'll understand even if he isn't scared. He must know how spineless I can be by now, so it's not like it's gonna be a nasty surprise or anything. Somedays I really wish I was someone else.
PS:
Oh, ma-an! Guilt trip! It's all Ericol's fault and I can't even be mad at him 'cos he was trying to help - again.
I was in the dungeons, trying to pull myself together and think about what I was gonna say to Mandor. Ericol came down and asked me how I was doing so I said 'fine', but I must have said it the way he says it and he didn't believe me. I managed to completely not answer him for ages. He asked me about happy thoughts and I told that they'd stopped working - fact is, what made me happy just makes me sad right now because I'm sure going to miss them all when I'm dead. Then Ericol started harping on about how 'brave' I was when he walked Rebma's pattern and that just did me in completely. I mean, I've been seriously contemplating hiding in someone's sock drawer until this is all over, right? I waited until he'd gone before I started blubbing, but the bugger only went and came back didn't he! Kept saying he didn't mean to upset me and then he must have gone off and told Krysalis I was in a state because next thing I know she's down there looking for me. Talk about embarrasing.
I kinda managed to get my act together enough to go out to see her, but I sorta blew it anyway (blubbing into her shoulder was a bit of a giveaway). She said it was okay to be scared, that she was scared too and so were other people (except the ones who were too stupid to be afraid - I think that's the meanest thing I've ever heard her say about other people). I said that even if they were scared they was still going to get up on the wall and she said that was what bravery was all about - doing things even though your scared. I knew then that I was doomed. It was like she completely missed the point I was trying to make. I couldn't tell her that I was losing my bottle and I knew that I'd have to do it or I'd let her down real bad. Thing is, if I die she says I'll let her and Didilus down bad too. Now I'm terrified and guilt-ridden. I don't see how I can get out of this without dissapointing her one way or the other. Unless I can cut some kind of deal with my ancestors?
I made a sort of desperate last-ditch attempt to avoid fate by asking Mandor what he wanted me to do. I was sorta hoping he'd have another area of employment for me during the siege - okay, so I was desperate. He said if I didn't want to go up on the wall he'd argue a case with Julian. Awfully nice of him, but since Krysalis' talk, not an option I felt was applicable. I don't want to get him into trouble anyway. He says he'll keep an eye out for me, so I'll have to try not to distract him by getting into trouble. The music from Mission Impossible keeps running round my head - can't think why ...
So anyway, I'm either doomed to join my ancestors, or I'll let down Krysalis, which I'm equally reluctant to do, because I think I've rather stupidly (like a total pansy, in fact) fallen in love with her. What a lousy time to realise it, eh? You know how irrational males get when that happens. Well, she is my mate (technically), so I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm not quite so irrational as to imagine that she'd feel the same way or anything, but it'd be nice if she'd at least like me - I think she likes me now (god knows why), but I think if I turn tail and run ... I can't believe I'm about to get hacked into little twitching bits for a girl. I'd say I needed my head examined, but that happens fairly frequently - maybe I just need a slap round the face to bring me back to my senses?
Ancestors, lend me courage ... and a huge army to hide behind.