You know that run of bad mental days I mentioned last time? Well, it hasn't got any better ... although, if I were being completely honest, I'd have to say that some of it was just me being me. I guess that's something everybody has to put up with.
Woke up on top of a gargoyle in the main square - talk about hung-over! Couldn't remember much about the previous evening, I sorta lost track. Nod was in the same sort of condition and it seemed like an awfully good time to go and see Bleys to find out if he knew a cure for it. He gave me and Nod the cure, which worked fast as anything (I know where to go next time). We sorta messed about with Ping-pong, which is kinda dull actually. Then Bleys got me into weapon practice, which I'm pretty crap at. The best fun was the new Sumo rules Bleys showed me. He called in a whole bunch of relatives and we spent a few hours battling it out. It was fun, most fun I've had with the people from Amber, I think. I got my ears yanked a few times and got dipped in a bucket of water, but it was still good.
It's not me, you see. Peices of valentine and just a song of mine to keep from burning history - oh, for anything but light - wise men fighting over you ...
Open arms and open purses, open seasons here. Well they fill your head with clever verses and then they dissapear. Well he'll offer you a cigarette, he'll offer you a light, but he hasn't finished with you yet on another long knife-night. So look behind you, there's the man your chasing ...
Krysalis called, so I got Nod to go back to House Sawall and see if Mandor had freaked about the bill (I still don't remember billing the house ...). The idea was, if you recall, to show her around, have a laugh and in my wildest dreams get along with everyone for a while. You've never seen a tour go so horribly wrong, not ever, not even when momma Gromble came to stay. Krysalis' first look at the rest of her family and Amber and everything was horrible. I'd do anything to have a rewind button on my life.
I took her to see the tree and that went okay, because it liked her and seemed to have gotten over its paranoia with me, which is nice beacuse I'd never wanted to upset it. I took her to Arden next, partly beacuse I thought she'd like it and ought to see it and partly because I didn't want Julian thinking I was scared of him ... which I am. I was really kinda hoping he'd leave me alone, but he didn't. He said that if she wanted to get away from me she could go with him (he put it less politely than that) and he was kissing her on the hand and his horse was hassling me and everything. He really pissed me off, actually, but while I know perfectly well why I'm annoyed with him, I'm not sure why he hates me so much ... I'd talk to him, but I'm afraid of what he'd do (not to mention what might come outta my big gob). Bummer. Now I'm kinda in two minds ... avoid Arden forever or trail through there regularly in the hope that he'll just get used to it.
Went to the great hall after that and found Fiona. Krysalis seemed real upset because of the way she looked - she's kinda sensitive about looks altogether actually. It's not easy being different, even if you're only a little different, I guess. I tried telling Krysalis that she's the looker in the family, but Fiona's got better hearing than I thought and got ratty. I don't mean to keep upsetting people, it just seems to be a natural talent. Fiona told me that Benny was at the Fount, so I thought maybe that would be a good place to go next, at least until my brother got back.
We weren't there long, it has to be said. Random was in a better mood though and Vialle was there too. Things might have gone alright if the Trumps hadn't chosen that moment to go all screwy on us. I got catapulted back to the hall and Krysalis went back to the edge of the Abyss, from where she'd Trumped me. I managed to get back to the Courts just long enough to warn her about them, then I got zapped back. I asked Mandor to go and get her, because I was definitely stuck in Amber for the night - too tired to Logrus back, so I crashed in the black room.
When I woke up that creep from my head was out and about, but it didn't seem as much of a burden as some of my fits have been, so I saw no reason to change what I was going to do. Irritating, yes, but not really dangerous.
Oberon was beating up on Vogel and Merlin and yelling at everyone to find Dworkin. Easier said than done, man. I tried finding him with Logrus, but I got snapped back to Amber and fell in the sea - yech! I went back and told my bro, who said that dad was probably somewhere nearby. He went off to check the primal Pattern and I went up to the ghost place which was out in daylight, unusually enough. Dad was in the Pattern room up there, talking to something called Ghostwheel, which is another nephew or something, I think. I tried calling Oberon but just ended up creating another one of him. By the time both of him were there, he was in a pretty foul mood. He was shaking dad so hard I thought he was going to hurt him. 'S not dad's fault, he can't help it. Anyway, I asked dad if he could fix the Trumps, and he could and he did - beats me why no-one else asked him to.
The Trumps were fixed, so I went home to find Mandor and Krysalis. Mandor had finished doing his math, apparently. Krysalis wanted to go back to Amber straight away, so we did. It was dinner time and everything was sorted, so she got introduced to just about everybody, I think. Julian was there too, slobbering over Fiona's hand instead of Krysalis' this time.
After I'd eaten we went up to the ghost city, which was full of black patches. I wanted to look a little closer, but Krysalis said not to. When we went into the great hall I got a fright - there were two shadow dudes on two thrones and one of them started to come towards me with a blue handKJH!!"*&@???------. Get thee behind me! Nay! I will not go with you! Get out! Get out! Fly! How could I lead you to such danger?! It will not stop! It will not stop! It's in here! How can we get away when it's in here with us?! Sitting at the right hand and also on the left, above and below, within and without - it can not be thrown away or fled. Thing is Thing and dead is dead.
Things went real weird after that. I don't really remember what happened too clearly, it was bizzare. I know we were gonna get Krysalis to help but no-one was being what they were and the Things please please leave us be were out there and everyone seemed hell-bent on meeting them. There was a fight and the Fount was shuffling around (apparently it was Random). Mandor, or was it Benny? Anyway, one of them said that I'd never been so nice to Random, which kinda implies that I'm normally horrible to him, which I don't think I am. He's okay, when he isn't angry. I'm not sure who was there and what was going on - I know I said something I shouldn't have, but the less said about that the better. It was well confusing and I spent most of the time scared out of my wits ... not that unusual an occurrence, I know.
I woke up in Mandor's pocket. It's warm, it's dark, it's safe. I always feel good when I wake up there - 's even better than my hole back home, because that gets a little lonely sometimes without Krumm and Oblina. When I'm better for good I'll have to go see them properly and take them out somewhere, as it is I'm kinda worried about flipping out on them. This is assuming, of course, that I actually get better ... *sigh*
I was sorta anxious to go see The Pool, so I asked Mandor and he said he'd go with me. I sorta lost track of Krysalis, but then, I guess she wouldn't have wanted to talk to me anyway, not after everything I'd dragged her through. Boy, I really have a way with people, don't I? *double sigh*
And all the roads we have to walk are winding and all the lights that lead us there are blinding. There are many things I would like to say to you but I don't know how. I said maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me and after all, you're my wonder wall ...
Anyway, we went to The Pool (invisible, not that it made much difference). She is my mom. She said I never sent her a card, which means she either has a sense of humour or she's got a really odd idea of fairness. She talks funny and she doesn't understand some things that I take as a part of every day life - confusion for instance. It's kinda hard to hug a pool of pattern powered goo, but I guess Mandor got it right when he said she was a real unusual mom to have. True, unusual was actually the last thing I was hoping for, but I guess I'll get used to it - I got used to everyone else ... sorta. I told her I'd send her a card, so I suppose I'd better work on that. What sort of a card should I send? What's appropriate for moms you never spoke to before?
Hmm ... well there are several people I want to or ought to talk to, but right this second I'm kinda ... depressed is too strong a word, but it's something close to that. *triple sigh*
PS: Had a chat with Mandor about this and that and a bit of the other. Latest directive is to take care of my own problems, or I'll never learn anything (apparently). Well, it's worth a try, I suppose - what's the worst that can happen?
I've already come up with a solution to being nuts, though it involves an awful lot of coffee. Krysalis ... well, I guess I could go see her and see how she is. Worst she can do is not let me out and I don't think she'd do that ... Julian's the biggest problem, or at least, the one I'm least sure of. Maybe I should make a peace offering or something? Like what though? Maybe I should ask someone what I should try, or would that not be sorting it out myself? What do you give a monster hunter to stop them from hunting you?
Okay, now I'm depressed. Oh snot, where do I start on something as bad as this? I'm so pissed off with myself, you wouldn't believe it.
I've been talking to Mandor about my folks, right? Only he reminded me that he didn't have any and I thought perhaps I was over-reacting and should just chill a bit. Sorta put my problems into perspective, yes? I also felt pretty bad that I kept reminding him of what happened to his folks - I don't mean to and I never know what to say when he mentions them ... 'specially his dad. That's when I had the idea of getting my dad to adopt him. I thought it might cheer him up and it would be nice and basically I didn't think too much at all, obviously. Jerk.
My dad agreed with eerie suddeness and sent out for Mandor, even though I told him to check if he was busy or not. Mandor turned up, looking understandibly ticked off and it was round about then that someone (dad, I think) mentioned Fiona and how she'd be Mandor's neice now, How could I forget something like that?! You're such a twit!
Dad was insisting that we have a family holiday together, when all I really wanted to do was go home and let Mandor stomp me. I asked dad if he'd sort of un-adopt Mandor, but he wouldn't - he said it wasn't done, ever. Somehow sorry didn't seem anywhere near good enough for the occasion. Still doesn't. I'm so bummed ...
Then dad took us to see a Micky Mouse horror flick (oops) which would normally have been fun, but was actually like some kinda social torture. After a while, Caine, Ericol and a few Shadows turned up (the bloodhound-like instinct of Amberites for awkward moments). Ericol tried to give me a Trump Trap, but I got him with it instead (thanks Caine) it's not that I particularly wished him any harm, I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone - before he found out anything. With him gone, I started trying to drop not-so-subtle hints to dad that I wanted the holiday over. He took all of us, Caine and Shadow's as well, out. Then we were on this sorta sled thing. Scared the heck outta me.
Finally got dad to send me and Mandor back home (complete with photo albums). Jules turned up, briefly - maybe they have an embarrassment radar or something in Amber? Mandor hit me a few times on the way to the white room, but it wasn't, like, really bad or anything. He got a Trump call when we got there and asked me if I wanted to go to Amber with him and said it might be a laugh - didn't feel much like laughing, but I didn't want to upset him any more than I already had. Loser.
Turns out Ericol had been stabbed in the back by a Logrus blade. He said it was my fault, but I'd already booked my guilt trip for the day and wasn't buying it. He wanted Mandor to fix him up. Mandor took that weird Trump of Morganth off of his back (cut it off - grody!) then shifted some skin back over the gap. In return for this favour, Mandor got Ericol to give him the skin Trump, so he could stick it on me. Ericol kept saying "told you so" - probably a reference to his early days comments that Mandor would be mean to me ... proves he doesn't know anything. The idea of having a bit of person (Ericol!) grafted on me is very nearly enough to make me throw up, but I was making a special effort not to run away, whine, whinge or blub - don't think I ever deserved a snortching more.
Went home, back to the white room. Mandor says he's done snortching me, just about and he'll take the Trump off of me sometime in the future. It's cold. Strange. Unpleasant. I still feel pretty nauseous. I'll probably get used to it.
I think he's really sad about Fiona - I know how much he liked being with her and I'm afraid I might have screwed it up for good - spazmoid. I hurt my best friend when I was trying to do just the opposite, which shows how much I know. The fact that he started being nice to me didn't help at all, man, I felt bad enough as it was. I'd give anything to cheer him up again, but since that's how I got into this whole mess in the first place I'm kinda scared to.
I suppose I ought to call Fiona and tell her (if she doesn't already know) and definitely say sorry - on the other hand maybe I'd better check before I do anything. I feel bad. I feel really, really bad.
I need to Logrus out for more coffee ... and a big paper bag to put over my stupid head.
I feel worse, depression ceases to be adequate. I've done a terrible thing. I've been badder than I've ever been before and hopefully than I'll ever be again. I didn't mean to - I never mean to, but it still happens. I feel awful.
I'd been awake a while, the coffee worked as far as staying awake went. I got to feeling a bit, um, energetic, so I blatted about with some basketballs for a while. Then Nod turned up and I was still full of beans (literally) so I went looking for Mandor to get him to give me something to do. Lost a basketball on the way 'cos of some almost invisible dude - pretty strange.
Mandor said I wasn't grounded (I wish I had been now) and suggested I go see how Krysalis was doing. I wasn't sure what sort of mood she'd be in with me, so Mandor helped me pick out a dress to give her. She's probably burning it at a crossroads round about now ...
Nod wanted to come and promised to be on his best behaviour. Irony. Krysalis was in quite a good mood and said she wanted to see more of Amber. We ate, then went through and chugged down to Arden, 'cos I wanted to try and sort out this thing with Julian before it got completely out of hand. We sidetracked briefly into the Grove and chatted with Caine a bit. Left a card for mom.
Finally ran into Julian in Arden. Talked to him for a while and I think we got things pretty much sorted. A little mis-communication on both sides. It's like I got some kinda natural talent for annoying people or something. Anyway, he seemed like he was in a slightly better mood with me than previously.
It would have been quite a good day if only what happened next hadn't happened. I wish it hadn't happened. Oh please, let this be some horrible delusion!
My head went again, in a big way. I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop myself. 'S not much of an excuse. I'm so ashamed of what I did. Even the fact that she's a relative didn't filter in until later. I've been so bad! I'm underage! She's probably underage! She didn't even know what I was doing ... which makes it rape, on top of everything else. AAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGG!!!
And all the people, all the people with the strange faces and stranger ways. There is no hope for this or that, no excuses thou tarnished vessel. Repent and still thou art dammed by thy own hand.
I'm despicable. I wish I could take it back. I want to say sorry, but I don't know how to, not for something as bad as this. Mandor doesn't know how either. She'll probably never talk to me again. I don't blame her - but I wish I could talk to her, even though I don't know what to say. Probably never see her again. I liked Krysalis, maybe more than I thought, unfortunately. I'm so sorry ... I'll have to write or something, she won't want to see me. Mirror mirror on the wall, who had thought for such a fall? Beyond control, beyond belief and darker than we thought beneath. What have you done?! What have we done?! What have I done?!
Brother was really, really angry. Not just with me, but with everybody - even Mandor. Something to do with the Fount, I think, not sure, pretty upset by then. He took all our Trumps, even the one on me (that hurt). Now we're all on Gerard's ship, which is some kind of snortch, I think. I've got kitchen duties with Flora and Fiona and I'm kinda helping Julian out with the livestock as well.
I don't know exactly what to do with the blob. I'm afraid of getting it wrong, I'm too young for this. Brother said something about checking to see if Krysalis is a relative and if she is he's going to do something to the blob. I don't really understand what he means, but it sounds bad. It's not fair to snortch the blob when it's really all my fault. Maybe when he's calmed down a bit I can talk him out of whatever he's gonna do?
Mandor suggested getting The Gromble in to help. I wasn't keen on the idea at first, but that was for purely selfish reasons and I guess I wasn't thinking of the blob's welfare at the time. Maybe after it hatches. I think we're fine till it hatches ... after that I'm gonna need some serious assistance.
As for me, I'm just kinda waiting for the mother of all snortches to descend upon me. I'm not sure if Obe can actually do anything to make me feel worse than I do already, but perhaps he'll think of something. Maybe he'll even eat me. He said he wished we'd never been born, any of us. I'm starting to wish I'd never been born. There must be something really bad inside of me to make me capable of such terrible things, right mind or not. I should have got Mandor to lock me away long before things got this bad, and I'm scared witless about whatever's gonna happen next. I deserve every bit of it, but I'm still afraid - can't help it.
PS:
God, we've only had one meal and they've started at each other already. If I can't stay out of it I'll try and diffuse it, but I'm not wildly optimistic. I'm in no position to question anybody's behaviour.
Lila arrived and I tried asking her for some advice on my problems, since she seemed to do a good job with Morganth. She didn't want to tell me what Obe might do to my blob, but I made her say in the end. She said brother would want to kill it if me and Krysalis are close relations, because it might be powerful and dangerous. More so than dad, she said. She said it might be the only thing to do.
I might be too young to have a blob, but I can't just let my bro murder it. It's not fair, it's not right. It's bad enough what I did to get it, now it seems like everyone expects me to stand aside while it's killed if brother says so. From the way everyone reacted the first time they met me and found out who my dad was, I could believe that if they'd known about me earlier they might have chucked me into the abyss 'just in case'. I've given Nod instructions to take the blob to Suhey if I tell him to. Sorry, little blob, It's the best I can think of - I wasn't really expecting to become a dad.
As for Krysalis, provided I survive my brother's wrath, I've resolved to send her a letter to at least try and apologise. Lila wasn't much help here - she didn't even think I'd thought of it, which doesn't say a lot for what my family thinks of me really. Mind you, after the way I've behaved, I guess that's understandable. It's not like I'm feeling full of self-congratulation or anything.
I feel dreadful. Every spare moment I have I think about it and then it's just about impossible to stop crying. Fortunately, Mandor seems to be a pretty sound sleeper and Nod doesn't care.
PPS:
Ericol arrived. Was half told and half guessed what I'd done. He was really angry too and I think he got snorched just for being angry at me - I apologised for that, but he was still understandably pissed off. He kept saying 'you raped her!' over and over again ... suddenly getting eaten seems like quite an attractive idea. I hate what I've done. I hate myself for doing it. I'm such a loser.
Dear Krysalis,
please don't tear this up right away, although I guess you got every right to do whatever you want as far as I'm concerned. I'm not trying to get out of what I did or anything - I know what I did.
First off I want to tell you how incredibly sorry I am for what I did to you. I never wanted to hurt anyone, let alone you. You were my friend and I did something terrible. I remember how I felt when Bardok hurt Mandor, but I've done worse than that to you. If you don't believe anything else I say in this letter, I hope you believe that I regret what I did, bitterly. I'm so sor&*^)!"!:@jkhLKksssssss
I haven't really got the words to describe how I feel ... pretty damn terrible anyway. I can only guess at how you feel and I'm very, very sorry. I don't really have a decent excuse, I should have got myself locked up a long time ago, only I was afraid I'd never be right again and never get let out. I've hurt people because of that, I've been very selfish.
I'm not a brave monster, not that clever, I'm insane, no real shining strengths to my character at all that I can think of - especially now. I'm not really old enough to get married, not where I come from anyway, although with the blob it's different, I expect. I'd marry you if you wanted me to - not that I'm assuming you do or anything, I expect torture's probably closer to what you'd like to do to me and I don't blame you. If I ever marry anyone though, I hope it's you. You don't know, you don't know anything, you don't know what you're doing from one minute to the next and you're making a really bad job of this letter, sunshine ...
You can probably put in an official complaint or something, to my brother, Oberon or King Asteroth of Chaos, or both. Oberon already knows and I don't know what he's going to do to me yet, but assuming I'm around long enough to get this to you, I'm sure a complaint like this would have to be acted upon. You're toast and you know it - Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of monsters? The Thing is inside and there are no spells to dismiss this cheese. Wherefore art thou sanity? All is lost.
The blob, at the moment, is fine as far as I can tell. I'll do my best to look after it if I can, whatever it takes, I promise. I'm not sure how you feel about the blob either, but I thought you ought to know whatever I can tell you, since you're not too up on monster ways. It's not the blob's fault after all, it's mine.
I don't know what it is yet, it'll hatch out of the cocoon thirty days after formation if I remember my biology lessons right. A few hours after that it'll start fanging and about twenty four hours after hatching it should start talking - only basically, of course. Most of the ones I've met can normally manage momma and dadda, anyway. I don't know any more than that ... I guess The Gromble didn't think any of us would get past basic dating before we left school. You never even got that far, you loser. Ever kissed a girl? I think not!
I'm really sorry, Krysalis. I can't say it enough, I just wish there was more I could say or do, but I'm afraid of hurting you more than I have already by being clumsy. I hope one day you can forgive me for what I did, but I'll understand perfectly if you never ever do. If there's anything you want me to do that might make things better for you, please let me know, I'd do anything you asked that didn't hurt anyone else.
Please take care of yourself,
Ickus
I'm off the ship, thank goodness. Dreadful, horrible ... less than I deserve in all likelihood - but then I never was very good at taking my punishment. I'd have snorched myself by now if I wasn't such a rotten, cowardly loser. Terrible - I'm a terrible little thing.
I held it together more or less for a day or two, despite the constant bickerings going on between family members - Ericol instigated ones in particular Made us want to scream and scream and never stop. Still had a problem with uncontrollable bouts of sobbing (still do). Lila helped a lot, she was very nice to me, though I don't know why. She must be a very forgiving person. Mandor let me spend a lot of time ferret-like in his pocket and I didn't feel quite as ghastly there, particularly as the sewing circle got on so well. He wants me to cheer up, but I can't, not even for him.
Ericol somehow managed to get himself locked in the brig. He seemed to take it out on poor Nod for some reason, but then Nod sorta over-snortched him. I tried to sort it out, but Ericol wasn't having it and when I asked what Jurt and his girl were doing in the next cell, Ericol said they were doing what I did to Krysalis, only the nice way. I kinda went back to square one emotionally after that. Had to hide, couldn't help it. I'll never touch a girl again, not like that. Not ever. It's not like I've got a curiosity to satisfy anymore, is it? Is it!?&^$ &"_)KHKJbs;f
Bring on the weasels and the turpentine and the judge. Shave and a haircut, two bits.
Flora came after a bit and tried to be nice, gave me a hug. I wouldn't have let her, but I figured a hug from someone who looked like that probably didn't count. Made me feel a bit better until she said it wasn't my fault - I can't blame it on anyone else, can I? Jeez, if I could, I would. I'm prepared to say that I didn't mean to hurt Krysalis, but ultimately, it is my fault. Ericol and Bardok think so too. I think there's only one person who could possibly make me feel any better about myself and I've got no right to expect that. No right at all. Maybe if Krysalis snortched the hell out of me I'd feel better, but I'm not sure about that and I don't think she's that sort of person or she'd have torn into me straight away.
Quite a few people looked in on me, so I moved to one of the cannons to stew in my own guilty conscience. Nod got called away after a bit. Julian looked in on me to find out if I'd done something to his animals - I guess my family rep's hit rock bottom. After a time (day or so I think, I was pretty hungry), Bardok came. He said he wanted to help but I couldn't tell him what I done, it sticks in my throat. It's bad enough knowing myself. I told him to ask someone else, Mandor maybe. I said if he wanted to help he could draw a sketch of my brother and I'd tell him I'd beaten Bardok up to get him to draw it. Bardok wasn't entirely happy, but agreed when I said I'd come out of the cannon if he did.
After a while I went to check on the progress of the sketch and he made me tell him what I'd done before he'd give it to me. He wasn't happy, about the Trump or me - he said I was as bad as Ericol, who apparently got Morganth drunk and raped her - I didn't want to know that. What is this?! Some kind of perverse family pastime?! First my brother, then Ericol, then me?! Who else has done it?! Are we all as bad as each other? Oh please, please, let it be lies about the others, let it just be me, it's bad enough as it is. Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
The pain of the flesh yea and verily cannot hold a candle to the pain of the mind which goes on and on without relief! Forsooth, I swear that such knavery as thou hast performed shall haunt thee to the end of thy days, which if thou but had a more monsterly spine about thee, would not be long at all ... even that knight of darkness and deciet, Sir Ericol, had more courage about him than thee in this vice. To treat so sweet a maid with such base cruelty - how dost thou live with what thou hast done?
I knew my bro was gonna kill me for Trumping him, but I had to get the letter to Krysalis, I couldn't bear to think that she thought I wasn't sorry for my actions. I didn't think brother would take it out on Bardok if I said I'd made him draw the sketch - I was wrong again. Brother shifted us both together and melded us with the mast. Bardok was even angrier than he'd been before (understandably). I said I was sorry - he said sorry wouldn't do and says he wants to kill me, which is slightly unreasonable since he knew the risks about as well as I did. He tried tearing himself off the mast, which really, really hurts. Especially when you can't shift. Fiona came up and agreed to knock us both out for the duration, even after I said it was all my fault we were there. I suppose I ought to have stayed awake and suffered or something, but like I said, I'm not very good at that, even when I do deserve it.
Benny finally lost patience with the lot of us, I think, 'cos he drugged everyone apparently, till we were allowed back at port. I woke up on the deck, un-melded.
Brother was still mad at everyone, particularly Caine, who had been the one to attack the Fount by all accounts. Obe said he'd thrown five Caines into the Abyss ... poor Caines. I think the Caine left is in for a bad time too. Why did he do it?
Obe was pretty annoyed with Ericol and Bardok too for all the fighting they'd done and he had a mild go at Lila, but I'm not sure why. Then he told me that the blob might be safe, because Krysalis is a several times removed neice or something. He's going to check on one of her grandfathers and then he'll know. I hope she's a real distant relative. Brother said checking would be dangerous and he didn't know how long he'd be gone. I hope he's going to be alright - under the circumstances he's been real good to me. Even if he hadn't been, he's my brother and I love him regardless. Told him to be careful and he said he would.
Brother said he'd delivered the letter. He said Krysalis was well, but upset and confused. I wonder if the letter helped or made it worse? I hope it helped. Give her something to tear into little itty bitty peices if nothing else. Brother said she probably wasn't going to bite me. Would it be better if she did? I don't know ... I just wish I knew what she was thinking, how she's feeling.
I'll keep writing to her for now - trying desperately not to engage in emotional blackmail. It's hard, 'cos I want to tell her how much I hurt over this, how much I want her to forgive me and how much I'm going to miss her if I don't see her again. All very theraputic for me, course, but I can't see it doing her much good. If it makes her feel better to never hear from me again, I'll stay away. I hope that isn't what she wants - I think I'll feel lousy forever if that's what she wants. I hope she at least wants to see our kid sometime, even if she doesn't want to see me. Poor blob. What sort of a dad am I gonna be to you? What a way to bring a monster into the world. What's going to become of us?
Brother let me go home, so Mandor took us back (no Trumps - I'd have given mine to Mandor anyway). I'm in The Village now, where I can't really hurt anyone. I'm staying put till Mandor says I'm sane. Benny suggested this a while ago and I should have taken his advice then. I can blub, scream and scratch as much as I like here without annoying anyone. Nod's keeping me company and I daresay Mandor will drop in regular if he can - I'll see if I can summon a smile next time I see him. He's a good friend. He's a good brother too, come to think of it, but I don't think he likes being my brother very much. Play games play games happy happy then happy now if remember how to play games? Storytime. Fishing with dad. Gorblats. Slime and tar pits. Throw Krumm's eyes back and forth. Logrus chalk and rubber, remember? Remember and forget. Play games ...
I'll have to see if I can get a wedding present to Bardok - a really good one to make up for the trouble I got him into. Trouble is, I don't know what to get him. Maybe a horse.
I still think I'm going to have to call The Gromble in to advise, since he knows blobs better than anyone else I know - 'cept maybe dad and I think one nutter's enough for the poor kid. The Gromble's going to go apeshit when he finds out A) what I am B) what I'm capable of and C) what I've been up to. Still, I don't see how it can be helped. I kinda miss him, anyway, or at least the stability he brings with him wherever he goes and I definitly miss Krumm and Oblina. I don't suppose I'll see them until/if I'm sane, though.
Still feel terribly sad and horribly guilty. Maybe it will pass, maybe it won't - maybe it shouldn't. I'll have to try to be happy (or appear to be) for Mandor and for the blob when it hatches. Blobs sleep lots ... heck, I can be miserable when it sleeps.
You're a jerk ... still, at least you're a living jerk and that's better than we expected, innit? Of course that might all change when The Gromble finds out ... hah!
Dear Krysalis,
Seems the last letter got to you, but then I don't know if/when this one will. I wanted to keep you posted on what was happening, so I thought if I wrote when I had something I thought you'd like to or ought to know, if the chance came to post it, I could.
If you want me to stop writing to you, to just go away and never bother you again, I'll do as you want. But if you want to see the blob at any time, I'll see that you can. I'm pretty sure Mandor would help out there, if you should ever want to - you wouldn't have to see me if you didn't want to. Please let me know what you want. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways - one, one thousand! Two, one thousand! Three, one thousand! Four, one thousI'm locked up in The Village at the moment, so I can't do anything to anyone when I get a fit on me. I won't leave till my mind's right, so you don't have to worry about me crashing in on you or anything. I got no trumps anyway, so you're safe. I wanted you to know that you'd be safe. I'll never do anything to hurt you again, I promise.
The blob needs a name really soon now. Hickory dickory dock the rat ran up the clock the clock struck doom the rat ran down hickory dickory doyou want to name it or would you rather I did? I'll send you a photo when it hatches, if I can send you anything. Do you want to hear about the blob or not?
This is just a suggestion, because I think it will help you, I wouldn't suggest it otherwise and I guess I've got a heck of a cheek suggesting anything. Would you consider talking to Lila? Lila's an amazingly kind person and she helped Morganth a lot when she was unhappy. Just an idea.
Nothing else to say right now, except sorry, but I guess you'll get tired of hearing that pretty soon. It won't stop it from being true though. I'll write again after the blob's hatched if I don't hear otherwise from you. You will let me know if there's anything I can do to make it better for you, won't you? Even if it's just to say naff off and die, I'd like to hear from you one way or the other, please.
Take care,
Ickus.