SURREAL CONVERSATIONS OF OUR TIME

R. Kneecap: Yoohoo! Wake up, Boss! I just though I'd remind you of my condition and the fact that you are totally and utterly responsible for it!

Brain: Yeah, you're also still in the dungeons, lunkhead. Boy, you're no Douglas Bader, are you?

Astus: Yarrg?

Tongue: Don't ask me to help you, I'm dry as a bone.

Arms: It's not our fault we can't pick up the water. Ask the idiot in charge.

Astus: (Croaked) "This is mutiny."

Brain: I'm surprised it's taken this long. What the hell were you thinking of? You weren't using me, that's for sure.

Astus: It might have worked. You don't know till you try and what did I have to lose?

Brain: Apart from the ability to walk and use your arms?

Astus: Oh shut-up.

L. Kneecap: I can still get you around.

R. Kneecap: Bitch!

Arms: If you could use us for balance, maybe.

Astus: Look, stop bickering will you? I've got an idea ...

All: Oh no!

Brain: Somebody stop him!

Astus: But I really don't have anything to lose this time, do I? If I sit here and do nothing, Tangent's going to take over. I'd be better off dead than in here under his rule.

Brain: Dead is just what you'll be if this plan goes true to form. Alright, let's hear it.

Astus: Well, I wait until nightfall when things are quieter and somehow get one of the guards to come in here.

Brain: The word 'somehow' smacks of uncertainty, Astus.

Astus: Shhhh! So anyway, he comes in and I use my psyche to make him let me out of this straight jacket ...

Brain: Can that be done?

Astus: Hush up! I don't know. It's worth a try. So I get out of the jacket, right? Then I psyche him unconscious and nick his sword. After that things go pretty much like plan B, only obviously with a shot kneecap impersonating a guard would be ridiculous. That's why I wait till nightfall, see?

Brain: And then what? Random's not going to listen to a word you say, you know that, don't you? Are you trying to get yourself lobotomised?

Astus: Yeah, but I don't go to Uncle Random, do I? I go to the pattern room and use psyche to knock out the two guards there. Then I break the locks and walk the pattern - telling it to take me to the inside of The Jewel of Judgement where I can face off Tangent.

Brain: You're insane. I don't think you're in any state to walk (or in your case, stagger) the pattern.

Astus: Can you come up with anything better?

Brain: Yeah, sit tight and try to make peace with whoever comes out on top.

Astus: What about Dark, Dad and Random? What happened to loyalty? What about Amber?

Brain: That's the sort of thing that got you in here in the first place, isn't it? Not to mention arrogance, impatience, intolerance ...

Astus: Alright! Alright! I wish ... I wish ...

I wish I had done things differently. What's the point of making mistakes if nobody gives you the chance to learn from them? I wish I could have seen where my path was taking me. I wish I could go back and do it all again. I wish I had lived and loved better than I have. I wish I had kept my temper and my mouth under control. I wish I could have learned these lessons another way. I wish someone would help me. I wish I had someone to talk to other than a nutter with an invisible cricket bat. I wish I knew where Gerard is. I wish I had another chance. I was so sure I was in the right. It isn't easy to face the idea that I've been wrong, wrong, wrong.

Brain: Good lord! Was that an adult speaking? Thing is, how long will this sudden desire to be sensible last? It's easy to say when you're feeling wretched. Remorse disappears with the darkness all too often.

Astus: How should I know? I don't even know if I'm capable of living up to those standards. I mean, I've never deliberately been stupid. It just sort of works out that way.

Brain: Not so much stupidity as over-confidence. Until it all goes wrong its hard to believe it ever can.

Astus: It's gone more than wrong! I have lost everything! I have thrown it all away!

Flippancy: That's by Phil Collins isn't it?

Astus: I didn't think you were a part of this conversation.

Flippancy: You've been wrong before. Pull yourself together, Boss! You don't want to miss the golden opportunity when it arrives do you?

Astus: You've been talking to hope again, haven't you? How is he, by the way?

Flippancy: On his last legs, if you'll pardon the expression.

Astus: I won't if it's all the same to you.

R. Kneecap: I'm broken! How can you joke about it? I'm broken!

Heart: You're not the only one.

Brain: We grieve ...

All: all of us ...

Brain: for what we have lost. We are afraid ...

All: all of us ...

Brain: for that which still can be lost.

Astus: Till the last breath, then, I will hate him. Till the last breath, I will fight what he is doing here!

(Aloud) "Tangent?! One may smile, and smile, and be a villain. Thou art so leaky that we must leave thee to thy sinking! Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee! Canst thou believe thou living is a life? To die by thee were but to die in jest! Were I thee I'd throw away myself! Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon! Sell your heart for five pence and 'tis dear! But that I hate thee deadly, I should lament thy miserable state. You are a lean-fac'd villain; a mere anatomy, a mountebank, a thread-bare juggler and a fortune-teller, a needy-hollow-ey'd-sharp-looking-wretch.

A living dead man."

Dear Diary,

I am not sure of the date, and it is not so very important after all. Such a lot has happened for me to be able to write this. A lot for just lately, anyway. So much, so muddled that I may get it askew yet and as there is no-one here to correct me, askew it shall stay. The last couple of weeks seem like a nightmare. Actually, it seemed one hell of a lot longer than it was. I had become so utterly miserable that my present condition seems palatial by comparison. Even with the Tangent thing being the way it is, I can't help but be happier than I was. I'm still having trouble coming to terms with the cell thing though. I really never thought I'd be a inmate. Not in a million years. Okay, so I never thought I'd do anything as dumb. I wish I'd been able to stop him. At least I'd be in here for a good cause then.

Stop chewing old bones, Astus. Get on with it.

I was in my cell, where else would I be? What came first? I can't remember if it was Kranor or Lorenzo and Dad (damn the drugs!) I think it must have been Kranor. He'd been needling me about Dark and Nathan - or trying to, unlike his brother he hasn't quite found my buttons yet. Dark came back from hiding out with Phoenix (probably the safest place. I very nearly trust him.) She told me something about a photograph of a Tangent clone and his trump was cold, though she wouldn't let me call on it. I told her to hold up my father's trump (I was right - this bit was first) and I tried unsuccessfully to call on him instead. This was when Kranor opened the cell door and burst in on us (I'm just glad we weren't doing anything else).

I told Dark to run and she did. Kranor hauled me up by the straight jacket and let me know that he wasn't pleased by what he had found. So I spat in his face to let him know what I thought of what he thought. I was expecting a kicking for that, but not quite the total pasting he gave me. He broke some ribs and loosened some teeth. Perhaps I can return the favour some merry day? I forgot Kranor's tendency to react over-violent to situations. Please that my wobbly teeth don't let me forget again. A dangerous man and quite, quite mad, I'm sure. Not that that was the end of it either. It seems the maniac had one of those Eccles trumps and he repaired to his room and used it. Lying on the floor of the cell I heard the bloody thing, recognised the sounds and knew that it was for me. I wriggled under the bench (always was an optimist) but I think it lucky for me that Lorenzo trumped then and pulled me out. I owe him a lot just lately. For someone I considered an enemy not so very long ago, he has proved himself an ally again and again. It has not been to his advantage to stand by me in my troubles, not given any stretch of the imagination. I will not forget.

There's not a lot of difference between lying on a cell floor and lying on a palace floor, except one has rotten straw to pad the experience out and one doesn't. I didn't get that long to compare as I was thrown straight back once the danger was past. Kranor is No.2. Rejoice, rejoice. Now he wears the straight jacket. I am still in disgrace, but he more so. I am still in pain, but I believe he more so. I have friends low and high. I have my father and Dark (almost). What has he? Hmmm ... Smug mode (economy version).

Lorenzo is made Captain of the Guard in Kranor's place and life finally smiles on me. First to go was the straight jacket, then it was good food and (thank the sky!) a wash and brush up. Dad was there and safe, which was one load off my mind. He had harsh words for me, but that was where the harshness ended - if you don't count re-setting the knee, and he's long-suffering enough to have the benefit of the doubt on that one. Hey - at least he missed the straight jacket, right? How much humiliation can an Amberite take in one day? Between dad's administrations and Dark's, I began to feel quite well again. Perhaps that is where I should have left it. But Astus is Astus. I had to get at him. I had to win, just once. I was obviously not thinking of Dark and for that I lengthen the list of things I'm sorry for.

In one of the fastest get-togethers in living history, Dark and I were married. It seems strange to me now. Odd. I haven't had a chance to get used to the idea. I haven't seen my wife since the ceremony. Wife. Weird. I have a wife ... Somewhere. Man and wife. The words hardly out of the priest's mouth and she had at me with her claws. I'm given to understand I nearly bought the farm then and there (yet again. I'm getting careless in my old age). Dad must be sick and tired of patching me up. It's not as if I'm a good patient.

Tangent's doing. My doing. And Dark is gone, fled. In fear, anger or guilt I know not. Tangent says she is with him again. I do not - cannot - believe that. I should go mad thinking about it if I did (mad's a nice place, but now really ain't the time). I have tried to get in touch but she cannot be reached. Gerard has tried too and his patience with me is probably growing a little thin. Why can't I be a little more gracious in the face of his efforts? Why is it so difficult to say all the nice stuff when the stupid stuff comes so easy? If I could just resist the jestering it would be a start. Mind you, if I didn't jester him, who would? If I didn't jester, I'd never talk at all! (I'd probably be like Kranor - ugh!) I can't help it! Sorry dad, but you must have some clown in you somewhere, 'cos mom sure ain't and I got it from someone. Half-Hazlen used to say that it was ill jesting with edged tools. Perhaps it should be ill jesting with blunt Gerard's? Nah - if he couldn't take a joke I'd be pancake by now.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt is hazy and ill defined. It makes it hard to think and harder to move. I want to find Dark, but am as far removed from freedom as to make it impossible. So I make life impossible for those around me. It hardly seems fair, particularly as those around me are the only ones that give a damn. When will I learn? I need to take a course in zen Buddhism or something.

Unless she trumped out somehow, she must still be in Amber. Where would she go? Not Arden. I can't see her on a mountain really either. Maybe in the town? Thing is, as far as I know she's always been with someone when out and about. Tangent, me, Phoenix. The same old questions as before really; where is she?; how is she?; why is she? Who says marriage changes relationships?

So, this is where we find ourselves. Random's 50th in a day or so and Tangent still to be brought to heel. Me lying in a cell, married in spite and reaping the reward for the folly. Gerard pouring vile potions down my throat and receiving mild jibes for his trouble. Dark, lord knows where and me to blame for it. I just hope things continue their upward trend.

Blah-blah-blah, my brain's gone fuzzy. Damn. Damn, damn, damn ... darn ... darn ... darn-de-darn-darn ... darn ...

Zzzzzzz ...

Dear Diary,

Wow. Isn't life funny? Weird, that is. The way things are going I don't know where I'm going to be (and in what mood) from one hour to the next.

Random was having his 50th and I got let out for day, which I guess meant he wasn't totally pissed off with me. I wasn't in much danger of escaping anyway. Not on crutches. Julian wasn't there, which is probably why I'm still breathing.

It was all a bit odd, actually. I tried talking to Kirkland about the House Phoenix affair, but he wasn't very forthcoming. I'm an easy enough scapegoat, I guess. Still, if it means I don't have to go back to Chaos it suits me just fine. Everyone kinda just stood around (or in my case, leant around) until someone, who looked awfully like Tangent, walked in with the Jewel. Then Uncle Random and Tangent left the hall together. I told dad I'd seen Tangent and (after I'd picked myself up) we both went looking for him, but he'd gone. Tangent started talking to me not long after that, insisting that I promise to look after Dark. Sort of a sob-story farewell in a way. After all the bastard's done to me, did he really expect gratitude or sorrow? I was stupid enough to pity him once. Never again.

Soon after there was this humungous scream and everybody fell unconscious. Lorenzo told me later that the same thing had happened in Chaos (boy, I thought I gave bad P.R. in Chaos, but Lorenzo beats me by miles!) Me and dad woke up in a corridor, slightly confused. I didn't hurt half as much as before and could manage without the crutches. Bastard!

Illya trumped me and said Uncle Random wanted to see me. I asked what sort of mood he seemed to be in before stepping through. He asked me if I thought I'd been punished enough, I mean, what a stupid question! It took me a moment to reply, because I was biting back all the comments that were likely to get me banged up permanently. Maybe his head was still ringing or something? Anyway, I got back my trumps and Cold Steel. I missed Steel a lot, it's good to have it back. It's good to be out.

I told Mrs Mulligan the good news and managed to wrangle a meringue out of her. Then I went off to tell G‚rard that he'd be having company on the trip to Tekumal. When I told him I was a free man again he didn't say much. Just kinda looked at me in that weird way of his. He's turning into a real dictator about this exercise business though. Even when we finally got some pirates to play with he made me finish the push-ups before attacking them. It was quite fun though. Nice to be using Steel for a purpose again.

We stopped off at Dun Kadeth, which is quite up to date these days. I ordered a dress for Dark and bought a crate of this really wicked wine that doesn't give you a hangover. Ming the Merciless helped me finish it off. Then it was onwards to Tekumal.

It took a while to find Dark and Chen‚-Ho's a pretty strange place. I was a bit upset to find Dark doing a strip-tease in a nurses uniform. She says that she had to earn money somehow, but good gravy couldn't she think of anything else? She shouldn't have run off like that in the first place. She could at least have talked to Gerard or Phoenix. I don't enjoy sitting in dingy bars waiting for my wife to entertain the scum. I took her back to the boat the long way. Sometimes its better to take your time.

We slept in separate rooms that night, but by morning I'd come to the conclusion that I'd been a bit harsh. It's worrying just how soft I am when it comes to Dark, actually. With any luck she'll never find out! I left the dress outside her room and went on deck to clear out the last of the sulks. Lorenzo trumped me to give me a wedding present just as Dark came on deck. It was a ring of wishes or something. I said that it hadn't been much of a wedding and knew with that curious feeling of hindsight that I'd said exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. It's my fort‚, obviously.

Dark was in the crow's nest and I managed to mutter an apology. Making up was very nice indeed and almost worth all the trouble we've been through. I wish I'd stayed up there actually, 'cos the Mad Exerciser was waiting for me at the bottom. Three hundred press ups?! Mind you, I'll wait till his back's turned before doing my Hitler impression next time. Clips around the ear from Gerard take on a whole new meaning.

We got back to Amber without any more stops and Lorenzo was waiting for us on the dock. I was practically arrested and became fairly concerned when I was told to leave Steel in my room. Lorenzo wouldn't tell me what it was all about and I was marched off to the Great Hall. It was a great relief to find out that it was the wedding arranged all that time ago (the U rated version without the Stephen King additions).

I must admit to flinching when the critical words were spoken, but the whole thing went off without a hitch. Dark was more engaging than ever and Kathrine and Rill weren't there to fly the ointment. Gosh, a whole day without someone taking the piss. I won't see another one of those for a while, I bet! Vialle had made the figures for the cake which served as a reminder for a less pleasant occurrence. I must ask Uncle Random if Dark and I may visit her sometime.

Thinking about what happened to Vialle I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't an accident. The odds are against it at any rate. I have a feeling in my bones that it was something to do with one of the ladies of the palace. Don't ask me why, it's just a ken. My gut reaction is to slaughter whoever happens to be responsible, but after a little thought I can see that that wouldn't be wise. Uncle Random would probably be pissed off that he didn't get to do it. I hope I'm wrong and it was an accident.

Lorenzo has talked to Random about the jobshare idea we had. I'm not sure if it's been okayed or not, but if it has the Wolfpack idea begins to look ever more attractive. As soon as I have the time and means to do it, I believe I shall. It's always nice to have lots of company anyway. My stay in the dungeons has given me quite a taste for it.

I did talk to Kathrine recently, with a mind to ceasing hostilities between us. Both the dungeon and matrimony have had a sobering effect and I'm all for a quiet life, if only for Dark's sake. Kathrine told me some interesting things in return for what information I had to offer. How much of it was true remains to be seen. If I really do have a shadow full of Tangent clones I shall assume that the rest of what she said may have some truth in it. The idea of a clone strolling off saying it owed her big time is worrying. Still, she has agreed to take me to the shadow Tangent led them to and if he is still living in some form or another Steel and I might have a little chat with him.

Still, let it lie for now. There has been too much in too small a space of time. I want to enjoy the very novel experience of being a husband without some maniac screwing it all up (least of all me). It would be really nice to just have a quiet time in Amber before I try to sort out my shadow. I have a feeling I want to keep an eye on things here anyway. Rill worries me. If it were anyone else after my blood I could take precautions against them. How do you predict the actions of a total nutter? May his stay in the cells be a long one.

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