Dear Diary,

It is quite nice here. Sunny. I'm looking at mother's grave, leaning against a stranger's headstone and scribbling away. It's not as morbid as it sounds. Like I said, it is sunny here and the birds do seem to be enjoying themselves. Dad has never said much about her, not unless I asked and I have only done so recently. He said the most peculiar thing when I asked if he loved her. He said - when she was alive, yes. Now, what does that mean? Does it mean he doesn't love her anymore - or doesn't want to? The grave is well-tended and I wonder whether Dad pays someone, or comes here himself. He obviously hasn't forgotten. It's all rather melancholy, really.

I wonder, seeing this, whether I am doing what is right. I think it's alright for me to talk to her, but I am not sure if I want Gerard to ever find out about it. I would like it if she could come to the wedding, but it will have to be a conditional invitation, I think. I don't want to hurt Dad by raking up old feelings. Besides, if he takes offence he just might punch me into the middle of next week. That could hurt quite a bit.

Kathrine finally came and took over my duties in Chaos. A rare occasion when I have been pleased to see her. One of the reasons I shot out into shadow so quickly was because of my confinement. Sort of an equal and opposite reaction. I wouldn't be surprised if Dark is pissed off with me when I get back. Left Chaos, got drunk, into shadow. Hmm ...

One thing I did do was go into moonshine city with Lorenzo. I wish I hadn't now, it was depressing. I saw Kranor walled up alive in a cell. I saw Random on the throne, alone. He later went up to his rooms and gave Vialle a right thrashing. It was all lies, but even as a lie it was vile to witness. I lost my appetite for the place then and there. May it be a goodly long while before I return.

I thought that once I left Chaos, Tangent would stop bothering me. I can still hear him though. Often. He asked me if I wanted another game of cards at one point and I almost reached for the deck. I keep expecting him to walk on in, but he never does - not since the dream. Am I a coupon short of a toaster, or what? Mr Freud seems to think it is guilt, but do I really have that much to be guilty about? My head says no, the grinning imp begs to differ. Freud suggested I make sure Tangent was dead by digging him up of all things! I recoiled from the suggestion. Not because I'm afraid of finding the box empty either. How much worse to find a rotting corpse and have to live with the knowledge that not only had I violated a relative's grave, but also that I was either haunted or stark staring bonkers. Finding an empty box would be a relief in comparison. Practically absolution.

There may come a time when I am desperate enough to seek such absolution, but I'll have to lose a few more marbles yet before I'm willing to go to such lengths. My Lord, I'd have enough to feel guilty about if I did. This whole situation is farcical! They buried something, they must have. They buried Tangent dammit! He's dead, I'm crazy and I'm not digging him up! How the hell would I explain if I got caught, anyway? What the hell would Dad say, or Dark?! Perhaps I should take Hetty's suggestion and just ignore him. I'll never be lonely if this keeps up that's for sure. (Humour Astus? Barely.)

I'd hack off my sword-hand if I thought it would lay you, Tangent, but I didn't kill you, dammit! I didn't even know you loved her until it was too late. You're the homicidal little fink that stole the Jewel, not me. If you weren't such a paranoid lunatic neither of us would be in this stupid situation. Give me a break, already. I'm almost positive I don't deserve this.

Jeez, I need a holiday.

Clouds have come over, in more than one sense of the word, since I started writing. I must finish what I'm doing here quickly and go back to Dark. Things don't seem so bad when she's around and the dead don't talk to me. I've spoken to Corwin and Flora, they gave me some pointers on where to start. I must look for a man called John Constantine and see if he can get me a ticket to ride.

Let's just hope he doesn't think I'm nuts.

Bim.

Dear Diary,

I am sitting at the top of the stairs outside Uncle Random's room. Dark is snuggled up beside me fast asleep. Her warmth and her breathing are normally so calming, but tonight sleep is out of the question. Why? It's a long, sordid story.

If you remember, I was looking for John Constantine. I met him, we arranged a meeting for the next day and then I went out and got well pissed at a pretty groovy punk club. Sung my head off, headbutted the odd skinhead, you know, fun stuff you can't really do when your girl's about. Anyway, Constantine pulled me out from under the table in the morning (I wonder how he found me?). After a long - and slightly silly - ceremony, I found myself on the green, green hills of heaven. The leather jacket, ripped jeans and the 'Anarchy - no rules, ok?' T-shirt (purely fashion, not personal sentiment) didn't go down so well with the locals. Everyone was wearing white. Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull.

After wandering around for quite a long time, and quite aimlessly, I decided to head into the main sort of city. A raven arrived and persuaded me otherwise. He introduced me to his master, Morpheous, who turned out to be that great rarity - a helpful hand. As a matter of fact he seemed more pleased to see me than my mother. Says a lot, doesn't it?

I think I'll just blip over the grand reunion actually. Sort of a non-event. Jeez, you'd think she'd do more than criticise my taste in clothes. Mind you, if she had the slightest inkling of my present situation, I'm not surprised she blew me out. Man, I'd blow me out if I knew what was coming.

So, heaven can wait, as they say. Stuff everybody.

I spent a few relatively happy days in Amber after that. I mean, Julian bit my head off when I enquired about Tangent's funeral, but I suppose that was justified. (On reflection that trump call could be the worst mistake I've made for a long time). Uncle Random was rather nasty as well, but Dad reckons that's because he's worried about Vialle, who's with child. I'm not so sure myself and provided I'm not a hunted man by this time tomorrow, I intend to keep an eye on the situation. Especially after what I saw in Cloud City. My dreams take on a solid personality with monotonous regularity.

Quite a lot of my time was spent being harassed by Gerard actually. He's often said I ought to do something about my strength and I guess he's finally run out of patience with me. Still, it's kinda touching in a way and I reckon if he's willing to put an equal amount of time into crossing blades with me, I really don't mind. I've been thinking lately that we ought to do more together anyway and the after-exercise baths make it all stunningly worthwhile. Gerard's a worthy opponent with the sword, but not so much better than me that the fight is dull (although at the moment it is a foregone conclusion). The fact that he's my father makes me push myself that little bit harder, I don't like to give in until I'm ready to fall over. Lorenzo has been putting in a lot of practice lately and I have no intention of being overtaken by him. In a pinch, I might well admit that I am fonder of Lorenzo than some of my relatives, but that doesn't mean I trust him one iota.

Talking of Lorenzo, I don't know whether I ought to thank him or hit him. He suggested we go back to Tangent's shadow and see if we could find out anything. Since Tangent's been laying me low for some time now, I agreed and tagged along in the hope that I could find a way to get him the hell out of my head. What I found there changed my attitude to him completely. I mean, there was some seriously twisted and nasty stuff down there. Normally I may have just felt a distaste and let it drop, but he was doing that stuff to Dark, man. He keeps feeding me these lines about how it was all my fault that he did that stuff. Well that's just so much horseshit! Nothing excuses what he did to her. Shit, I'd be plenty upset if the same thing happened to me, but there's no way I'd take it out on Dark.

So, with all the last vestiges of guilt driven out, it occurs to me that the voice in my head is more than the product of a fevered imagination. After ploughing my way through tape after tape of propaganda and turning up precisely nothing, my temper was not at its best anyway. Grabbing a shovel, I took Freud's advice and dug the little shitbag up. There is no guilt as far as Tangent is concerned, for I have seen him for what he is. He has no mercy in him, nor pity. I fail to see why I should extend such to one who feels nothing except unrelenting hatred and spite. He has hurt me, but more importantly he has hurt Dark and is messing with my father's mind. I should have run the bastard through the day I was old enough to wield a sword.

I took what I could find from his body and (after a shower - dead people really stink) had them checked out on a technical level. I didn't turn up much and put them into the safe at my fast shadow house, meaning to check them out magically later. After that I returned to Amber and took a brief boat trip. Much as I love my father, it really is hard work talking to him, though my explanations could do with a little work as well, I guess. I had several frustrating conversations with him before I could convince him that there was something to be worried about. He was smoking cigars for a start and he didn't help my train of thought by threatening to keel-haul me either. Still, he agreed to look for Fiona and keep in touch regularly so I'd know if anything bad had happened. I had planned to ask Fiona to check out Tangent's calculator, which had baffled the tech's (without telling her from whence it came).

Dad asked me to keep an eye on things in Amber while he was gone, so I went straight back. Lorenzo got some of us together and by jointly pushing at Tangent's trump, Illya managed to pick up the impression of a jewel or something. On the offchance that it might be The Jewel, I went upstairs and told Uncle Random what we'd discovered. He didn't seem that impressed, but so much weird shit's been going down lately that it seemed wise to post a vigil outside his rooms in case something nasty happened. Then Lorenzo says they're all going to ask Uncle Random for permission to exhume Tangent in the morning. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea (which is stuffed with sharks, by the way). I have several options before they dig him up and discover they were beaten to it.

I could put it all back - but I am afraid to do that. I'm sure I'll be caught if I did.

I could dump the stuff on Rill - but I owe him a favour. Let this pay the debt.

I could confess, either to Random or Gerard - yeah, right.

I could just hide it under a tree out in shadow - and hope to all that's merciful that if they find it, it can't be traced back to me.

The latter two are the most likely, though I don't think I've got the guts to do the penultimate. Random would probably lock me up for a spell, the mood he's been in lately. Gerard might beat me - and possibly disown me, which would hurt more. Julian, on the other hand, would make the first two reactions only academically painful, 'cos I'd be dead. If it weren't for Julian, I'd probably risk it. But ...

Dammed if I'm going to die because of something I did to Tangent. Dammed if I'll fall out with Dad over him. Do I really have any choices at all? No, not really. It's nearly dawn and I shall carry Dark to bed before I go to hide the evidence. With any luck at all, I shall be sitting on the stairs sipping coffee when Random awakes. This still leaves me Julian to cope with, who is bound to be suspicious, but he'll have no proof. Provided I avoid Arden for a time, I may well get away with it.

Still, all this planning may come to nothing, or everything. How do I get into these things? I wish somebody would tell me, 'cos I sure as hell need to know. Still, I have a possible bolthole should things get nasty (and they just might).

How to make friends and influence people. Way to go, Astus.

A LETTER TO GERARD

Dad,

If you're reading this, keep an eye on your blood pressure, okay?

I thought this might explain a lot better than I could in person, especially with that look on your face. Anyway, the chances are that if I left you this note, I've left in a real hurry.

I'm hoping that by the time you've figured out where I am, you'll have calmed down enough to listen to what I have to say. I don't want to end up like a novelty pancake without a hearing.

There is more than one reason for everything and if you had experienced what I have, you might have felt moved to do the same thing yourself. Ask Lorenzo about Tangent's Shadow and you might get an idea of how I feel. That bastard has been goading me ever since I went to Chaos. He made me feel like a rat for loving Dark and then I found out what he was really like. What he had been doing to her. If he hadn't been lying in his grave already, I would have taken my sword and put him there myself.

I'm scared, dad. What are they going to do to me when they find me? Imprisonment? Exile? Execution? What?! Are you on my side, or has Tangent got to you as well? Seems like everyone else does just what he wants them to. Even me, I guess. Am I going to have to live with his voice in my head till I die? I can't believe I let him win. Not like this. The only person I haven't let down is Tangent. Bastard!

I need your help badly. I just hope they haven't already caught me. I'd say I was sorry, but it doesn't really sum up the overwhelming chagrin I'm suffering from at the moment. I've been in scrapes before, but nothing like this, right?

If I can make it there in one piece, I'll be where you go when you sleep. If in doubt, ask Mad Hetty.

Yours in it yet again,

Astus

A BRIEF SOUJOURN INTO ASTUS' HEAD

Astus: How did Julian find them?! If he hadn't found them I'd be away by now.

Reason: Hiding from him. Always looking behind you. Never to see Amber again. If you wanted that you would have chosen banishment.

Hope: You did the right thing in the end. Not by choice, but the right thing. You should have salvaged some of Random's respect that way. You took it better than we thought you could.

Despair: You never had any respect. Utter disgrace, Astus. Utter, utter disgrace.

Guilt: No less than you deserve.

Astus: (Aloud) "This isn't fair!"

Reason: When was life ever fair?

Guilt: Yeah, when did you become the paragon of fairness? Git!

Reason: It could be worse. At least you got to fling one last bottle of wine down your throat.

Astus: Didn't get me drunk though. It was horrible walking through that door. Went against all my natural instincts. I was so scared I thought I was going to throw up.

Flippancy: (Sniggering) That would have been a golden moment for Kodak.

Astus: Why do you always turn up at times like this?

Flippancy: I'm what keeps you sane, laughing boy. Yee-ha!

Astus: It is dark in here; and cold.

Reason: What did you expect?! You did choose to be here, you know.

Astus: *Sigh* Yes. I know.

Guilt: You deserve everything you've got. What will Gerard say when he finds out? You've let him down, and Dark, and Random.

Astus: Oh, piss off, Guilt. You've led me astray before.

Despair: Gerard's probably in trouble and you can't do a thing to help him if he is.

Hope: No, he's probably on his way back now. You might even get a visit out of him. Make you feel better.

Despair: (Derisive laughter)

Guilt: You don't deserve to feel better.

Astus: Look, will you guys quit it?!

Flippancy: Talk about prison overcrowding!

Reason: You always end up having a mental debate when you're in trouble. You should be used to it by now. Look at that time you dropped a dead mouse into Dad's ale.

Flippancy: The look on his face was classic.

Reason: You spent most of the evening hiding under your bed, remember?

Astus: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

All: Boy, have we heard that one a lot!

Astus: Bog off.

Reason: You should have asked how long the sentence was going to be. Counting the days isn't going to help if you don't know how long you're meant to be down here.

Despair: Oooh! At least three hundred years.

Hope: No, they'll realise you were trying to help and have been under a lot of strain recently. You'll be out in no time.

Despair: Yeah, right into Julian's welcoming arms.

Hope: He'll get over it. It's not as if he liked Tangent.

Astus: Who are you trying to kid? If it were me, I'd be exactly the way he's being. He wasn't supposed to find out. I knew what would happen if he did.

Reason: He's right for a change.

Guilt: You deserve to be hacked to pieces.

Astus: Change the record, Guilt.

Guilt: Alright, what about Dark? She's going to think you don't love her because you keep telling her to go away. Bastard!

Astus: There are a lot of reasons for that.

Reason: You don't like to blub in front of her.

Astus: I do not blub!

All: Liar.

Flippancy: Afraid you'll give her fleas?

Astus: She's my eyes and ears. I need her to keep an eye on things for me. Tell me what's happening.

Despair: When she sees how stupid you look with a beard you won't be seeing much of her. As for the smell ...

Reason: Not things you've got much control over. I wouldn't worry about it.

Hope: She didn't take your face off when you told her about the grave. She'll stick with you.

Despair: What about what Tangent said? He's been right every time so far. Face it, fuzz-face. You're beaten. He's won the lot, including Dark.

Astus: Over my dead body!

Reason: It just might be if you're not careful. Let's face it, Astus. You're not very good at life, are you? Maybe you'll be better at death. Hmmm ...

Astus: Who's side are you on?! Jeeezuz! I don't need Tangent with you guys around, do I?

Despair: So, what are you going to do to fill up the dark, cold, bleak, empty years?

Hope: Umm ... Exercise? Shadow-fence? Improve your mind?

Despair: Blub? Go mad?

Astus: (Aloud) "Ten million green bottles, hangin' on the wall! Ten million green bottles, hangin' on the wall! And if one green bottle should accidentally fall, there'd be ... err ... Nine million ... err ..."

Reason: How can you count backwards from ten million if you don't know how much a million is?

Despair: You can't count forwards, let alone backwards.

Hope: You know the words to plenty of pub songs.

Guilt: Yeah, you're a drunk as well.

Astus: Haven't you guys got anything constructive to say?!

Guilt: Conscience does make cowards of us all.

Despair: Despair gives courage to a coward.

Reason: There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.

Hope: If fortune torments me, then hope contents me.

Flippancy: She is an old wife that wats her weird ... What the hell does that mean?! Who bought these crackers anyway? Where are the little paper hats?!

BACK to front page!