Dear diary,

If wishes were horses, the stablemaster wouldn't glare at me the way he does.

Lorenzo finally made me his best man. We had a chat after dinner about this and that. We're getting pretty thick, probably through mutual sympathy. Women, who needs them? Who am I kidding?

It should be interesting to see how the others react to our sudden friendship. We make an unusual pair, I admit, but look at my options. Illya is useful with her trumps, but as cold as the cards. I'd be lying if I said I trusted her, however she poses no great threat. I have given her no reason to do me any disservice and who knows when she may need a favour of my sword?

Kathrine has no great love for me, but no especial hatred either. I merely dislike her, I find her sense of humour offensive. Estorial is more difficult. He keeps himself to himself, but is brave enough. I would trust him beside me in a fight, but not necessarily behind me. Then there's Kranor Ril. The man is an idiot, I've had time to reflect, and I haven't moved much from my decision. He takes after his father, trying to be the hard man, the strong silent type. It will land him in trouble sometime. Tangent? Well, I thought I liked him at one point. He's a lot smarter than his brother, but there are days when I miss the splif-toking version. Life was simpler then and I was someone else too. To hell with regrets anyway!

Lorenzo needs me right now, and need probably forges the most reliable bonds in Amber. He needs a friend and I would rather have him with me than against. He needs my help, and I need his. As long as it looks like I'm just being kind to my cousin, it should work out well. I wouldn't want any of the elders thinking we were too close though. If he ever does something to upset them, I don't want to be guilty by association. Would I let him take the rap, the whole rap and nothing but the rap?

Undoubtedly.

Dear diary,

I find my father the most frustrating of people! I have taken on Cthulhu in single combat, braved the Abyss and Brand, and rescued him from the same. To date all I have received is some lousy advice and a hangover. All I feel from him is a vague sense of disappointment as I struggle with some object he could manoeuvre with his little finger. Damn, blast and hedgepigs, what does he expect?!

While I can certainly improve on what is a bad situation for me (I really ought to be stronger if I am to survive) I have severe doubts as to overtaking any of my cousins. If I were to attempt such a radical change in position, I would almost certainly be overtaken in warfare. I worked long and hard to perfect my skills with weapons and don't feel inclined to give it up. I mean, why break someone's neck when you can cut his head off?

Perhaps this lack of paternal recognition is because all the successes have been shared ones? Maybe I need to do something fantastic all by myself? Umm ... like what though? Preferably something where I come out both alive and smelling of roses. Perhaps something will turn up, or maybe something could be engineered?

Mind you, what's the betting dad would tear me limb from limb if he caught me planning something like that? Uh-huh. Let's just forget that idea, shall we? Yup.

I got my chance to talk to Random today. The trouble is whenever I do talk to him I end up stammering and tripping over my words like a five year old. It's most disconcerting. Anyway, Lorenzo has permission to wed in Amber, though Uncle won't be performing the service. I'll take a stroll into the city and find a willing (and sober) priest. It's definitely time to start thinking about the stag night. I'll bet Gerard can at least give me some good advice there, and if he can't Bleys can! I wonder if Uncle Random's going to want to come along? Could put a bit of a strain on the festivities, having the King there and all. It would probably be best to invite him, just in case he does want to.

Still having lousy dreams, though last night's was a little more paranoid than usual. Dark was tied to an altar with Tangent bearing down on her with a sacrificial knife. It was a little corny, even by my standards. Tangent was wearing a black cloak and hood, with the Jewel of Judgement around his neck. There was a carving of Brand's face on the wall behind him. Dark called my name as the knife came down, then I woke up.

It's got everything hasn't it? All my fears, suspicions and even hopes. I mean, I'd like to think she would call for me. Fact is, I got her trump today as well. The card was cold which makes me happy, because it means she's alive, for now anyway. I tried trumping her, but got no response. Is she blocking me? (unlikely, she doesn't know I have her trump) Is she blocking someone else (Tangent)? Or is she still too sick to take the call? What the hell is Tangent up to anyway?!

I think she's in trouble and even if she isn't I want to see how she's doing after that fight with Brand. It's possible she doesn't want to see me, or have anything more to do with me, but I can't let it go. It's a strange kind of madness, and so far it has brought me more pain than pleasure.

Dear diary,

what an interesting day. I started off in a shadow of Tangent's shadow, picking up newspapers (well, bio-degradable pieces of plastic) looking for any freak weather reports. I didn't find any evidence of anything suspicious, just signs of subjugation. The tricorder works there though, which is encouraging. I also bought three camera jamming boxes, it's reassuring to know that everything's ready should I need it. Of course, it would be better for me if it never became so. I cannot escape the feeling that I am the villain of the piece here. It is not a role I am comfortable with. I shouldn't have talked to Tangent, my feelings are too easily manipulated.

I ran into Flora, who was fussing over the seating arrangements for the wedding. We discussed a few of the main points, including my dress. She suggested a suit, but I really want something that reflects my personality. On the other hand, it might be politic to go with whatever Flora suggests. I only have to wear it for a day after all. Flora also suggested patience as far as Dark is concerned. Patience is not my strong point, but she is not the first to recommend it. Perhaps it is something I must learn quickly. How long am I supposed to wait, can anyone tell me that? No-one seems inclined to be useful, least of all Gerard. Forget about it son, have a drink. Hah! Big galoot.

As I said before, I had a chat with Tangent today. He says that Dark is fine, in some sort of re-gen tank. He says that she will be at the wedding as maid of honour. I ought to be happy about this, but I've a feeling in my bones that this wedding's going to be a bit of a disaster. Will he bring a shadow of her, or a brainwashed version? If it's a shadow I ought to be able to tell, but if not what do I do? If she tells me to naff off, how do I tell if she's under some influence or genuinely disenchanted with me? Would I take no for an answer anyway?

Why is it, that every time I get one answer I end up with half a dozen more questions? Heigh-ho. I suppose one will just have to wait and see, but I have a bad feeling about this whole affair. I shall spend some healing time in this fast shadow Illya has painted for me. The therapeutic value of the fender stratocaster is greatly underestimated. I'm glad I had the amps bolted to the floor now.

Dear diary,

If anyone should ask, and no-one's bothered yet, Yellowcake UF6 just about sums it all up. I wonder if D.J. has that on file?

Lorenzo had his wedding. I suppose I ought to linger on the ceremony and wotnot, but since it was all so vastly unimportant to me by that time I daresay I shall just skip over it. Cain turned up, which was an unpleasant surprise (if it was Cain). Random say's he's giving him the benefit of the doubt. I hope it's not a mistake. Oh, and it seems that Bleys is Cassandra's father. Like I care.

The upshot of the whole bloody mess is that Tangent arrived with a shadow or clone of Dark. At least I hope that's what it was. I got a letter from what I think is the real Dark by express mouse, telling me to play it cool. In order that Tangent might think I had been deceived, I created a little scene and retired to my room. I spent a lot of time thinking up there, about the contents of the letter mostly. Dad came up a couple of times, but I told him to shove off so that Tangent and the others might think I was sulking. This leaves me with the slight problem of pacifying father, who probably is sulking.

By sheer good fortune, the third time my thoughts were interrupted I chose to say 'what do you want?' instead of 'Sod off!', because it was Uncle Random come to ask a favour. I ended up looking after Aunt Vialle while he went off to talk to the Golden Circle. Vialle gave me the third degree because I wasn't in the best of moods by that time. It was irritating, but she made several rather pertinent observations (which is more than anyone else has). It was largely down to Vialle that I got off my butt and started a hellride, looking for the symbol mentioned in Dark's letter. I must remember to thank her when I get back.

Ran into Mad Hettie on the way. I wonder what she does when she's not giving me directions? At any rate, I was told to look out for a stream and a spaceport. Both of which I found. I'm not sure what the stream was for, so I took a drink and filled a canteen from it. The spaceport was easily found and I traded my horse for some information. The symbol Dark wrote about belongs to Phoenix Stormheart, whom I believe to be some relative. After receiving my message, he came to my room at the hotel and agreed in principle to help me. I took him and his ship through shadow as close to Tangent's shadow as I could get. All that remains to be seen is whether he can get me in there or not. There are things to be arranged before an attempt is made. I wonder, having talked to Stormheart, whether I want him to come into the building with me. He is a pleasant change from the rest of my peers and it would be a shame to lose him. I think the attempt is best made alone. I know what I'm looking for after all, and would rather have only myself to worry about while I search. Besides, if I leave him my trump of Gerard he can call him if I don't make it out. It would be just as well to have someone know where I am if Tangent gets his paws on me! (if only for the purpose of posthumous revenge.)

Dear Diary,

it is a different place now. Some old, dusty fears and feelings have flown away to make room for joy and sadness. A dry, foul-mouthed imp called Guilt sits deep the basement, letting his presence be known from time to time by muttering obscenities up the chimney. Tangent is dead and I feel more for him now than I would have thought possible.

I am not sorry he is dead, at least I don't think so. My present happy(?) situation would not have been possible while he lived. It is a cause for sadness that he was the way he was, that is all. His death was ignoble, that is all. I am ashamed that I felt joy when he died. That is all.

I spent some time in preparing myself for the assault on Tangent's domain. Time wasted, with hindsight. When I entered Tangent's office it was deserted. A tape recorder on the desk told me all I needed to know; Tangent had the jewel and Dark was in danger. I trumped the others to get them on their guard and trusted them to sort him out while I searched for Dark. The tape gave me a clue as to where she was, so Stormheart took me there.

Fighting my way through the building, I thought I was going to die. There wasn't enough time to be careful and some of those E.C.C.L.E.'s are fearsome things. Dark was on a table with pipes connected to her (my dream comes true to some extent). Considering the goliath I had to defeat, I didn't dare make a snap decision on whether to cut them or not. By the time I killed the sodding thing I was losing more blood than Group Four on an N.H.S run. Severing the pipes turned out to be a good move and after some timely life-force from Estorial, Dark and I were safely back aboard Stormheart's ship.

Proving that there is no rest for the wicked I was more or less compelled to return to Amber immediately. When I trumped through it was to land in the midst of five 'Darks', two of whom suffered from terminal surprise. I thought it would be difficult fighting them, looking so much like her, but it proved only to anger me and made the slaughter easier. Mrs Mulligan got me out of a tight spot with them (bless her!) and that was that. I was a bit messy by this time. Kinda red, with the odd patch of white here and there. A bit like a horror flick Santa Clause, really.

Random and Rill turned up with the Jewel of Judgement and news of Tangent's demise. Also they told me of an approaching army with Benedict at its head (Dara was a hostage, I gather) and another arriving by fleet. I was a little worried that maybe my father had come to grief on the sea, so I tried trumping him. He resisted the call, but I asked Rill to help me and we got through. (That's two I owe Rill now. Damn.) My appearance made him take note of what I was saying and he came through at once. When he heard about what was happening he went to arm himself. What I wanted to say was 'be careful', but all that came out was 'don't do anything stupid'. Maybe I should just brick my mouth up? Fortunately I had the rare sense to follow him to his room and tell him privately what I couldn't bring myself to say publicly. It was a shame about the hug, which nearly put an end to me once and for all, but it is good to be friends again. I'm sorry we didn't have the chance to fight together, but at least my troops put up a good show. It was a pleasant surprise to find out they'd done as well as they did. Just for once it seems I did the right thing.

With a mind to keeping an eye on the Courts, Uncle Random told us we would have to take turns being ambassadors. Being stupid, I volunteered for the first shift (I just wanted to get it over and done with). Unfortunately this means me setting up the embassy, boo hiss. I'm not the best man for the job, but as ever, now I'm stuck with it I'll do the best I can. After an embarrassing and potentially lethal incident caused by Dworkin, I find myself in Purrr. Driven largely by paranoia and the crouching, basement imp, I fled the Courts. Not a good start, I know. I need this time in Purrr just to relax a little though. I couldn't go back to the Courts in the state I was in. The place is unsettling enough as it is. I don't know how they can stand it there, with everything changing all the time. Perhaps I'm merely displaying insecurity, but the sooner my time is up, the better.

I come to Dark last and have not mentioned her much here because it is taking some getting used to. I have asked her to be my wife, but remain half-convinced that I will lose her somehow. I want her to be with me because that's where she wants to be. At the same time, I am afraid she might leave me. It's hard to get close to someone when you're waiting for them to hurt you. I get the feeling that Tangent is still between us, but if that is the case, it is only because I have put him there. Who will help me with this? No-one, for I am afraid to tell it. Even that pillar of patience, Gerard, would call me an idiot if I did. And rightly so.

Get a grip, Astus! Before Uncle Random decides you'd look better in the room with the rubber walls. Maybe I should have told him I want to sort out my life, not kick my heels in Weirdoland. Heigh-ho, duty calls...

Dear Diary,

Back here. In Chaos.

There was a time when I described Amber as boring. Was I blind? Was I just too young to appreciate it? I see many things in a different light now. Where did all these shades of grey come from? Why aren't shadows behaving like shadows anymore? I hear people talking about what they do to shadows and I want to break their faces. Not an entirely reasonable attitude considering the way I ran my shadow. But as Tangent pointed out earlier tonight, I can be really unfair when I want to be. (RE: Cain) Still, I see no remorse in him. If it were me and I had succeeded I should probably have opened a vein.

Confused? Well, it was dreamtime again I guess. Why we were playing Fish I don't know. I'm just pissed off that I lost the game and the argument. Even when generated by my subconscious he still has the ability to trounce me when it comes to insults. He said a lot of things about my father that any living man would have suffered for. I'm quite tempted to make someone suffer on Tangent's behalf, but even shadow blood is hard to wash off these days. Dad wouldn't approve anyway. I still don't understand Tangent, but he insists that's because I'm stupid. Part of me misses him, part of me hates him, most of me pities him. Insults or nay, he really makes me appreciate what I have. Now, Tangent, go away. I am not here. I am in the past.

The past in this case being very recent. Yesterday, when I noticed somewhere burning. It was house Phoenix of course, though perhaps I shouldn't have voiced that supposition so loudly. I met some more Chaos folk whom I took an instant dislike to. Something to do with their idea of a good time out in shadow, not to mention the fact that their pack leader insisted on making wild insinuations about the fire. Mind you, even Kirkland thought I had something to do with it. Perhaps I should have considered a more polite denial. I don't think I'm going to make many friends here. Maybe Dark can help me? She's probably got more protocol in her little finger etc, etc... Thank the stars for Dark. Keeper of my sanity in this impossible hellhole. I must remember to ask her. (I tell you, I've got more sympathy for Dworkin's madness since I've been here.)

Jumping swiftly into the future before anyone notices, I move onto the impending wedding. Dark and I haven't really discussed it much yet, but perhaps we ought to. Does she have anyone in mind for a Maiden of Honour, or someone to give her away? Does she have friends I don't know about, or are we all she knows? I did have a small moral dilemma about one of the potential guests, but unless I try, I'll never know. It seems only fair to ask, actually. I must try to find Mad Hetty as well. Maybe I can succeed where Lorenzo failed and gain Mrs Mulligan's august presence? She could be Maiden of Honour if Dark doesn't mind. Ah, that reminds me about the best man. I'm kinda hoping that Lorenzo and I might have a falling out before the wedding so that I don't have to give him the post. I simply have to think of an excuse not to, or people are going to come to the wrong conclusions about us. Ahh, how I have come to miss those suspicious whisperings. Not that they are absent here. Just spoken by strangers.

I want to go home, but I want to go to bed more. Maybe Tangent has got bored and gone away for a while. It's almost morning and with any luck I won't dream again. Looking out the window I can see the houses, no wait, the shacks, hang on they're houses again...

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