Dear diary,

Well, it's been an interesting week all in all. First David called on me to tell me that Half-Hazlen was back in town. Hazlen has to be the most interesting Shadow I've ever met, so naturally, I invited him to dinner. He had some fine stories to tell me of his journeys. Shame about the rest of the entertainment really. The jews were particularly disappointing.

It was not a total loss however. Father called me to a shindig at Amber, which is not as boring as I remembered it. It turned out poor old Uncle Random had misplaced his wife! Anyway, I had to take dinner with my peers, such a bore! None of them have developed any taste at all since I last saw them. Tangent showed promise, but his brother dresses like a priest and is about as entertaining. Rill always did take himself too seriously. Lorenzo was his usual self, all veiled threats, hints and promises. I amused myself at dinner by playing verbal chess with the fool. Illya was there also, she's still in her quiet and mysterious phase by the look of it. Her ravens proved most annoying.

Well, naturally we all wanted to help Uncle Random, so we all set about trying to find his Queen. Illya asked me to help her by following one of her dratted birds. It didn't work of course, but one must humour women. Unfortunately, I didn't quite find Auntie, but I was close before Lorenzo disrupted my investigations.

Rotten luck that he found her. I'm sure he'll be quite insufferable about if for a long time.

Still, it's all's well that ends well and Uncle Random is probably pleased with us for the moment. I must think of a way to outshine Lorenzo though, just to annoy him!

Ah well, the hunt is on in the morning and the White Hart won't escape my bow.

I wonder if I should wear the long boots or the short ones?

Dear diary,

Maybe I'm getting old. I certainly feel old after this week and it's getting harder to laugh off the antics of Lorenzo's brother. My usual merry routine was interrupted by an invading army, God's teeth! I mean, how am I supposed to have any fun with that sort of thing going on?

Meeting the armies leader was even less fun than I'd supposed, he had a huge flaming sword that was more than capable of wounding me. I must have a word with Benedict and find out how to do it myself. It would certainly be one in front of Lorenzo! Even more, the better I know Makar's methods the better I'll feel. That upstart is dangerous and I really don't appreciate the way he sent his 'mud man' into my Shadow to test my strength. I have a grudge to scratch and this hunt may prove most educational.

What with armies marching on my town, the call from my Aunt in Amber was a pleasant distraction. It involved hunting up a few musical Shadows to throw a party for Uncle Random. Watching a planet go up in smoke was quite fun too. I never realised just how much alcohol my father could put away.

It was all good fun, but when I returned to Karamin I found yet another army at my town! Fortunately it turned out to be the King's army, though a little late in coming. It did show up the flaws in my own militia however and it looks as though I'm going to have to do a bit of recruiting myself if I want a decent side.

Returning to the problem of Makar, perhaps a hunt is in order. He must be a tricksy devil to capture Cain though. I think caution must be the order of the day. Think what a feather in my cap it would be if I could capture Cain's wayward son! Definitely something to work on, if only for my own protection.

Watch your back Makar, the hunt is on!

Note: Have a word with Tangent. More there than meets the eye!

Nice cat.

Dear diary,

I made a big mistake the other day, I enlisted the help of a leprechaun in Averick.

The idea was to have a magic-user create a 'Holy Sign' so that my troops would follow me into Shadow without question. I had to walk in Shadow to find a magic-user, because its use is so limited in Averick.

I found a leprechaun in a Shadow not too far away that said he could do the job, so I hired him there and then. I did see what looked awfully like Deirdre's armour in that Shadow though. Might be worth mentioning at some point.

Anyway, the little monster gave me a sign alright. I've never been so embarrassed in my life! I attempted to get rid of the thing and ended up in a classroom punch-up with a leprechaun hunter. Still, I haven't heard from it since and live in hope that I've given it the shake.

I daresay my people will stop calling me 'The Messiah' in time.

Dear diary,

okay, so I didn't shake off the leprechaun. I've got a town full of loonies, wielding potatoes and generally making a nuisance of themselves. I think I killed Shea 'o Shea. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Either way it was probably a bad move. Uncle Random seemed quite surprised that I escaped the leprechauns domain unscathed. I'm not so sure I have.

If I have learned anything over the last few days it is this: the most dangerous person I have met, is myself. I really must learn to control my temper and perhaps my arrogance also. It's like a chain reaction.

I lost my temper with Makar so I hired a leprechaun to aid me in his destruction, hence all the leprechaun problems. I lost my temper with the leprechaun and have put all my Shadow at risk for no very good reason. I lost my temper with Rill and have made myself an enemy I didn't need. I very nearly lost my temper with Uncle Random! I think my anger has taken on a very self-destructive bent.

Things here in Amber are pretty awful at the moment and my actions have probably only served to make things worse. Things have been coming out of the Abyss, including Aunt Deirdre's body. It was pretty gross digging her up like that. I thought it would just be her armour. I can still smell her.

Gross. Really gross.

Lots of the elders have gone missing, presumably they're in the Abyss. Father's gone too. He said he was going to see if any of his ships or crew had survived the attack that soaked him earlier. I said it was stupid. I told him and I'm sure I wasn't the only one. Why don't elders listen? More to the point, why didn't Gerard listen? Now I've got to go find him and I never was much for ships. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!

Dear diary,

I haven't been very diligent in keeping up my diary lately. So much has happened in the last few days that it's difficult to know where to begin. For a start, my attempts to find my father have been entirely unsuccessful and I begin to fear for his safety. He must be in grave trouble to have stayed captured for so long. If indeed he is captured, and not dead. I attacked Lorenzo the other day for lack of devotion to Cain, but how much of that was prompted by my own guilty conscience? I have been somewhat less than the perfect son. Forgive me, Gerard, and return safely. It is easier to be flippant than to show my true feelings.

At the moment I am stuck in Tangent's shadow, playing nursemaid and guard all at once. It is difficult to stay here and do nothing when there is so much gone wrong. On the other hand, a certain person is going to make it hard to leave when the time comes.

I am well ahead of myself here. I shall return to the events that lead up to my present situation. As I stated in my last entry, I went out on the sea to try and find my father. All I found were pieces of wrecked boats so naturally I was a little dispirited on my return to the castle. I suggested to Uncle Random that I walk the pattern and ask to be transported to where my father is, but he dismissed the idea as too dangerous. I suppose he has a point, I'd look a proper charlie appearing at the bottom of the sea, or the abyss for that matter.

Anyway, I spent some time in the main hall, feeling sorry for myself I suppose. I had a few ideas, though I can't remember what they were now - hardly surprising - so I tried talking to Aunt Fiona. She was busy in her room with Tangent, working on a spell for weapons that could destroy the things in Arden. Dark was on guard duty (*Le sigh*), so I didn't disturb them. I ended up following Cain who walked past the room looking a little the worse for wear. When he got to the main hall he practically callapsed, which was a little startling. I had the doctor called and it seemed that he was neither poisoned or drunk, so I had him taken to his room (I wish I'd slit his damn throat now). While I was up there I attempted to trump him. What followed was weird and quite disjointed in my memory. I seemed to be transported into Cain's head. It was a strange place where Cain was King and most of us were dead. I even saw my own corpse, which was disturbing to say the least. By hit and miss methods I eventually got back into my own head, but found that both Cain and I were still in the main hall. Whatever happened to me, happened before I trumped. I think. Confused? I should say so.

After explaining the situation to Fiona, we were packed off with the special weapons to deal with the creatures in Arden. Corwin, Bleys, Lorenzo and myself. It was an invigorating fight, especially with the living trees, though Bleys had to help me with those. Lorenzo managed to stay out of trouble long enough to give Corwin a chance to leap through some kind of portal. I only hope he hasn't turned himself in. It's been days since he went through.

When we returned to the castle there was dreadful news waiting for us. Cain had risen from his stupor to make an attempt on Random's life. As far as I can tell from what Uncle Random has said, he was transported into the room somehow, and fairly accurately since he was in a position to stab Random in the back without warning. He hurt Vialle too, which was both unforgivable and quite inexplicable. What harm could she ever do alone?

So, I am on guard duty. Both Random and Vialle needed intensive care, so at first I took them to Estorial's shadow (some kind of spaceship). It wasn't that good a choice, as I was attacked at frequent intervals by a pack of Chaos upstarts. I only got worried on the last attempt, where they seemed to have pulled out all the stops. Aside from being pinned to the floor by some idiot, I was deafened by a 'magic bastard' and had my arms liberally chewed by the Chaos answer to Cujo. Villiers is going to regret picking me as a target and that's a promise.

Due to its excellent security it was decided that Tangent's shadow would be a fine place to move the King and Queen. It's not a dreadfully big room and I have to share it with six guards (cloned I think). Uncle Random drifts in and out of consciousness, but seems to be getting better pretty fast now. It's a shame we can't find the jewel of judgement really, I have to keep telling him it's all under control, and it's not. Illya and Lorenzo made a visit to the Courts of Chaos, so maybe we'll get some joy from that?

The best thing about hiding out in this rather depressing shadow has to be Tangent's cat, Dark (*Le sigh*). Everything else is so gloomy. The radio's a brainwashing device and Tangent seems very different. I don't like him half as much as I thought I did, though that might be jealousy talking. I shouldn't be losing my head (or anything else for that matter) over someone else's cat at a time like this.

Even if she is sweet.

Okay, so she's sexy too.

Tangent's going to kill me when he sees that videotape.

Dear diary,

man, what a day! At the moment I'm sitting in a sardine can with enough dirty looks to start a laundry service. I'm waiting to be plunged into the abyss. How did I get here? It's a strange story.

The day started peacefully enough. It was nice waking up to Dark and we had a fairly lengthy conversation about the situation. I wasn't entirely happy with the conclusion, having been told to wait and see (and forbidden to take affairs into my own hands). My sword hand really is itching now, though.

Things started to go downhill about lunchtime and as you know, my luck turns on me with grim regularity. Estorial trumped me to enquire about the mild havoc I caused in his shadow and I explained what had been occurring over the last week or so. Honestly, some people just don't know how to stay in touch. Well, after he'd got his explanation, Estorial pushed off, which was much appreciated as I was trying to be in a mood at the time. Not to be outdone, Kathrine decided to get all the latest news from me as well (Lord knows why, I've been too wrapped up in my own affairs to really pay attention). Unfortunately, I hadn't actually bothered to get out of bed and dress, sod's law being what it is, Dark walked in with pizza at that precise moment. As if being naked wasn't bad enough, Kathrine picked up on Dark's annoyance and made the situation even worse by putting her arm around me. Not surprisingly, Dark left the room at that point.

While I was out in the corridor trying to smooth the incident over (still naked - now how many women would I do that for?) Kathrine, bitch that she is, took off her knickers and hid them in the bed. All hell broke loose shortly thereafter. The absolute bright point of the whole mess was when I cut off Kathrine's ear, what I'd give to re-live that moment. She should count herself lucky I didn't do worse. For one brief, red-visioned moment, I almost pushed Cold Steel right through her rotten heart. It's all academic now. Dark saw the videotape of the whole thing, which put me in the clear. It was worth spending half an hour lost in the building just to make up again.

Sometime later that night Illya trumped me to tell me that castle Amber was being attacked by Cthulhu. At first I didn't think I was going to be able to help, but then hit upon the idea of leaving my trump with Dark so that she could pull me through should anything go wrong with the King and Queen. I told Random what was going down and trumped myself to Amber.

After a brief conversation with Auntie Fiona, I decided that if I could move fast enough, I might be able to slow Cthulhu down until Fiona found a way to stop it. With this in mind I borrowed Kathrine's lizard and rode out to where Cthulhu was. I've had a few battles lately, but this one was definitely the most invigorating, probably because death was so high on the menu. It was a bit like jousting (Haven't done that for a while.) I was bringing the lizard in for quick passes, slashing at Cthulhu's heels with Cold Steel. The wounds were healing faster than I could make them, but I must have annoyed it, because it stopped advancing towards the castle and grabbed me with one of its slimy tentacles. Cutting through the tentacle proved ineffectual and when we were about thirty feet up I gave in to the lizard's protestations and let him go. The back of Cthulhu's throat isn't something I want to see again in a hurry. I kept trying to wound the thing right up until I thought I was going to be eaten, I looked at the trump on my sword and went back to my own shadow. I hadn't reckoned on Cthulhu coming with me actually, though it solved the immediate problem at Amber. Things were getting rather desperate at this stage, so I flipped through my trumps (I lost six - have to go back and look for them). Lorenzo was the first cold one I came to and after I screamed at him a bit he pulled me through. Fortunately Cthulhu remained where he was, although I pity the poor fools left in my shadow. Maybe I can repair the damage at a later date, although time seems to be the best healer.

Lorenzo was outside the Courts of Chaos, so I got my first look at that. It's a nice enough place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. I wasn't there very long at all as it happened, we all got trumped over to wherever Tangent was to take a ride in his magical tin can. Dark was there too because Tangent had trumped her, so Random and Vialle are on their own at the moment (if you don't count the Eccles - and personally I don't). It's becoming clear that Tangent knows how I feel about Dark, so the atmosphere inside this can is fairly thick. Dark is looking daggers at Kathrine and Illya is looking daggers at Cassandra. Lorenzo is throwing warning glances at Illya, and I'm keeping my eye on Kathrine. As for Tangent, if looks could kill we'd both be dead by now. Happy families? You said it.

The plan is, apparently, to split into two groups. One to distract Brand and the other to free the elders. I was supposed to be in the latter group, but Tangent's just said that Dark should go against Brand first, as she's the most expendable! I think Brand might be a more interesting opponent than Cthulhu and if anything should happen to Dark I'm almost positive Cold Steel will have something to say to Tangent.

I feel like the judgement of Solomon has come down on me. I could offer never to see Dark again, in the hope that Tangent would protect her. Something tells me that the gesture would be wasted on him though, and could I keep a promise like that?

Probably not.

But I could lie.

Dear diary,

it has been three days since we entered the Abyss and only now is my right arm healed enough to permit writing. The elbow on my left arm has been shattered (owch) and I doubt if I will be able to fight left-handed for some months. All in all, I came off rather lightly.

I don't think I've ever experienced as much pain in a single day as I did then. While we travelled in the Abyss we were attacked psychically by Brand. It felt as though I was falling and I was bombarded by unpleasant images, mostly of Dark dying, though some were of my father. It didn't take much working out and I wasn't that upset, though I made a point of not looking when I could. It was harder to take when Brand became more subtle, but I trumped Tangent and between the two of us we seemed to escape the nightmares. We brought the others out of their own private hells the same way.

As the others discussed ways of attaining our goal, I decided to try and trump Gerard. It was a lot like when I trumped Cain that time and involved equal amounts of imaginary physical injury. My father was fighting with Cain, Makar and Lorenzo - which gives you a fair idea as to father's attitude towards them. It was not an even fight and I believe my assistance was quite timely. Cain was the first of them to draw blood, so I chose him as a target, assuming him to be the best of the three. Gerard ended up resorting to his colossal strength to take out the others (and why not?) Bit of a mess though.

The next thing I knew I was sitting on Kathrine's mad lizard, heading towards a very angry Brand. Lorenzo seemed to be suffering from a metal barb (about ten feet in length) which Brand had shot through his body. I trumped Gerard again and he came through at once - it seemed I had rescued him! Exactly what happened next has become a little jumbled by time, emotion and pain. Tangent ordered Dark to attack (bastard) and I went barrelling in myself. It was quite dreadful, it seemed there was nothing we could do to hurt him. He kept shooting out barbs, one of which skewered my right shoulder and another into my left arm. I have never felt so afraid, or so angry. He wouldn't stop hurting Dark, and to add insult to injury, he used Cold Steel to do it. I tried to curse him. Maybe it even worked, because he was defeated in the end. Lorenzo, Estorial and Corwin must take most of the credit for that. I ended up being tied hand and foot by Flora and Lewella, being threatened with sedation.

Poor Dark was in a real mess when they found her. I still don't know if she lives or not. Tangent drugged me and took her back to his shadow. My fault. Very, very stupid, Astus. Uncle Random and Vialle have been moved to another place, so there is no way in to find out if she is alright until I get the trump. I feel angry at Dark for putting me through this. Then I feel guilty for feeling angry. Then I get angry at her for making me feel guilty. Etc, etc, ad nausium. There are times, quite often right now, when I wish I had never set eyes on her. The man who invents a cure for love is going to be very rich indeed.

There is some good news to be had, though I'm having trouble appreciating it at the moment. The best thing is that my father is alive and uninjured. I have spent some time talking to him since the fight, something I should have done before and intend to do more often. We talked about my mother, who apparently died giving birth. That doesn't make me feel too good. She was a shadow and I wonder what she was like, whether she would have approved of my conduct (probably not). She must have been special I think, for father to have loved her. We also talked about Dark. He wasn't much help, but it was nice to be honest with someone about it for a change. I am not a good liar. I can't even lie to myself.

Lorenzo is making plans to marry Cassandra. I am happy for him, I think. I'm not sure if she will be good for him, but it must please him or he would not do it. I hinted that I would appreciate the post of best man, but he is rather thick-skinned. I also suggested that Dark would make a fine maiden of honour, for purely selfish reasons.

The third piece of good news is that Cold Steel is not lost in the Abyss as I had feared. It re-surfaced once more, and is now hanging on the nail by my bed as usual. I am too vulnerable when Steel is not in my hand, but I have thought about it and believe I see a solution to that problem. It should give Villiers a nasty surprise when it is done, anyway. He's going to learn to respect me and my blade. It should also ensure that Steel can never be used against my will again.

I must go to my shadow and find those lost trumps soon, but not until I can wield Cold Steel with some competence again. A little exercise and training are probably due. It's a shame Benedict or Dara aren't around. There's still so much to be put right. The jewel of judgement for a start.

That's all I can think of to say and my arm aches. I just hope I don't have that dream about Tangent again. It's quite unnerving, having him leaning over me with that syringe, smiling. I hate dreams like that, I really do.

Dear diary,

as lightning quick and razor sharp as my sword is, so my mind is slow and dull in direct contrast. I am truly my father's son.

Possibly my only mental grace is my sleeping mind, for it seems to be far quicker off the mark than the rest of me. I was thinking of dropping in to see Uncle Random and Aunt Vialle, just to see how they were getting on, if there was anything I could do for them, etc ... Anyway, it was doubtless thoughts of them that made me dream of Cain's attack. I was not there to witness it personally, or Cain would not be living now, but I have talked to those involved and been given a clear picture of events.

The whole thing seemed to go in slow motion, and was in black and white curiously enough. You'd have thought a Prince of Amber would at least get colour dreams. The important bit to concentrate on is between the initial attack and when the doctors were called in. I am thinking, of course, about the Jewel of Judgement. I do not believe Cain's attack was centred on obtaining the Jewel. It was probably instigated by Makar, to take away the people that hold Amber in order and to cause as much chaos amongst us as possible. Looking at what happened, I'd say he succeeded.

So, what if the Jewel was taken on an opportunity? My most immediate suspect was Fiona, especially as she has disappeared. It would have involved some fine acting on her part, but she is capable. There are some things that seem a little unlikely however. Would Fiona really be prepared to put Amber in danger by not activating the defences when Makar attacked? The only other Amberite to witness her possession of the Jewel would have been Kranor Rill, and he's not good enough at anything to be a threat. No, she could have slain him in an instant. Quite where she has gone, and why, remain a mystery.

I voiced my suspicions to Illya, knowing that she would take Fiona's defence. If I'm not smart enough to think of a likely alternative, why not use Illya's brain to do the reasoning for me? I thought that was pretty clever, for me anyway. Unfortunately she suggested Tangent.

I was hoping that my feud with Tangent might draw to a halt, as that is the only way I can ever envision me and Dark becoming anything other than a poor substitute for Romeo and Juliet. Dammit, I don't even know if she sees me as anything other than a passing amusement and this could really screw things up. I really don't want to be responsible for anything nasty happening to Tangent (not openly, anyway). The bad news is that Illya's idea really does have some merit. Yes, Illya was drawn to Random's room by the commotion, as was Fiona. But what if Tangent got there before them? He pulled Illya into a doorway when Cain was chasing her, but Dark didn't appear for some moments. What if she took the Jewel under Tangent's orders? Or what if Tangent had already seen the opportunity and taken it?

When I was in his shadow looking after the King and Queen, he took off to some place to subdue an uprising or conquer a new continent, or something like that. What if he was just testing out the Jewel? In order to use it, he would have to have walked the pattern with it. I wonder if there is any trace of such passage? Could Random tell if he was no longer attuned to the Jewel?

I hope, for many reasons, that Illya is wrong. Unfortunately the suspicion has been planted, and if I don't follow it up I'm sure she will. I have not, and do not intend, to tell my father of this unless I have to. The decision to keep it from Random is less easy to justify, as he must be worried to death by the whole thing. Perhaps it is best till there is some proof anyway, otherwise it will be seen as sheer malice on my part and if I am wrong, I would look even worse. Personally I don't give a damn what most of them think of me, but the people I do care about are the most involved with the possible exception of my father. I will continue to look at alternatives, what few there are. There are too many 'ifs' and Tangent is such a secretive bastard anyway.

BACK to front page!